A BIG THANK YOU

I need to give a big thank you to everyone who has either purchased or advertised and pushed my taste of Christmas Chocolates over the last six weeks.

I received a message from my daughter at 5.45 am to say enough, as she felt  I was making her out to be a charity case.

Everyone knows that I have worked hard to produce and sell these chocolates and charity did not come in to it.

I will continue to make and sell chocolates while I can and the profits made from them will be put in to a savings account to give to my daughter on her 16th Birthday on 26th February.

Again, thank you everyone

David
xx

Meeting with Angels along the way

A bit of a break from my normal blog this week, as I really want to spend the time talking about the launch of Homeless Beanies in Bradford last Thursday, which just so happened to coincide with my 'Hello/Goodbye' tour of lunches. (Wonder how that happened? :) )
From speaking with them in the development of their own unique chocolates, which I can now announce as vanilla and lime, and gob smackingly gorgeous, we decided to help with the launch, to have a Wine, Cheese and Chocolate evening, along with a smattering of art and health related stalls, all within a beautiful Bistro called Forsters in the City Centre.
I had arrived the day before, to help ensure that I was not trying to push too much in to one day, with the bus, taxi and two train journey it involved, and after a bit of a struggle and the fact it was getting dark, I gave in and got them to co come and find me. We went back to their office within the College, for a much needed coffee and to meet the team.
I was then hit with my first real surprise of the visit, a calender made up for Inn Churches, whose umbrella Homeless Beanies sits, was shown to me and the first page has a dedication from the heart, to ME. Me, I say. I have never ever felt so humbled by the thought and sentiment of something.
Spent the rest of the evening helping, Emma from Elaborate Designs, keep calm, as she was showing her art off the next day to the public for the first time.
Got up in the morning to howling winds and torrential rain and a message from Sarah Wearing to say she definitely could not make the lunch as her little one was poorly and of course, trains were cancelled. (Good job I was guided to travel the previous day).
I had a 9 am appointment with a women who puts together a CD for those dying, as a lasting message for my daughter, arranged by the lovely Juli from Homeless Beanies, so a taxi was phoned for and a brave driver, risked the journey to the college, past flying roof slates. I thought I was emotionally prepared for the experience of putting together the CD, with a selection of 6 songs, pertinent to myself and my daughter and me talking about nice things in between. However, after introducing the first song, I was on my fifth tissue of literally hundred I would need in those two hours.
On to lunch to try and compose myself. Met with Lacuna Raven and her hubby, Juli, Emma and Mad Hatter himself for what was a fun filled two and half hour lunch, with glorious food from Forsters Bistro and even better company.
Right, now for the main event. 70 guests and volunteers, all desperate to find out this unique flavour and to get stuck in to my taste of Christmas and the AnjulaDevi range as well. The crowd was split in to 2 and I completed my first set of tastings, with a member of the Forsters staff doing the wine and a chef doing the cheese. All went well and everyone loved the new ranges, with numerous enquiries to buy (in fact, the Homeless Beanies chocolates were in high demand).
Quick stock up of the trays and away we go with the second round. Had just finished the Christmas flavour when I get a tap on the shoulder from Juli, who is standing there with the Archbishop of York, who had insisted to come and meet me in person. Juli took over the next part of the tasting, while myself and the Archbishop spoke and then he asked if he could pray for me and with me, right there at the side of the tasting table!! I can honestly say that when he held on to me, I could feel the presence that comes with his Office, and yet again, I was truly humbled.
Prayer finished just in time for the tasting of the Homeless Beanies chocolates, the first of which went to the Archbishop. I can say that he loved them and actually came back for more a little later, along with the poses for photo's from the gathered press and the wonderful Ben from Homeless Beanies.

There is so much more to say about the event but I will have to save that, along with my usual health update til next week. Just want to finish off with a massive thank you to all the Volunteers, Forsters Bistro, my friends, Andy who helped throughout the whole event, the Archbishop and most importantly Juli, who made it all happen, a true angel xx

Decisions have been taken

It seems like Monday is the new Sunday when it comes to my blog writing as for the last two Sundays I have been out on lovely lunches with equally lovely friends and as enjoyable an experience that it is, it does tire me out and I would not be able to give the blog 100%. However, I do not plan to stop having these nice lunches, as it is one of a few things that I really look forward to and i have a few more lined up.


Talking of looking forward, this Thursday sees the launch of the Homeless Beanies UK chocolate at http://www.everydayhero.co.uk/event/CheeseandWineDonations in Bradford. I am doing the tasting evening and will give a simple demonstration on how to make raw chocolates, with my flavours. (Could be doing myself out of business). I have agreed with Homeless Beanies UK to continue to make their chocolates (can't tell you the flavour yet), for as long as I can, because street homelessness is something I have always cared passionately about and this time last year I was auctioned by another homeless charity for £250, money well spent, if you ask me:)  On Homeless Beanies UK, one of the things they do is buy single duvets and bedding and as I am sure you can appreciate, that is a big overall cost. If you fancy making a contribution direct to buy a duvet or bedding, please contact @homelessbeaniesuk

Did I mention there are seven of us meeting for lunch that day as well? :)

Moving swiftly on to my Christmas chocolates, I am so close to my target for the laptop and portrait, thanks to some lovely orders and a couple of individual contributions by people I would never mention but they know who they are.  I have decided that after the Christmas chocolates that I will continue to make chocolates with different flavours, including the lovely @anjuladevi mix and will put the money in to an account that will go to my daughter for her 16th Birthday on the 26th February, whether I am here or not. My best friend @angelajspencer will oversee it, if I am not. Yet another task for her to do, sorry.

To help with the chocolates, I had, as a gesture of good will, a website made for me by www.facebook.com/OnlineMastery I thank Steve for the help and doing this for me.

On the health front, I tried to take some painkillers but they gave me a massive upset tummy, so I guess not. Seeing the doctor again soon, so will tell her that it is back to the alternative therapies and mind over matter. I have noticed that I am getting tired more quickly and more often but being tired does not mean sleeping more, as my fellow insomniacs will testify. To be totally honest, as I have always tried to be on here, there is a big fear in closing my eyes and my mind seems to fight it. I do sometimes sleep but not for long and always wake with a smile in my heart and a dance with the day in appreciation.

My friends made me do this

Again, I was contemplating not writing this blog, as for the second week running, my readers have halved. I think the constant chocolate message along with the cancer message is boring people. God knows, I get bored with living with it every day.

Then a few things happened that made me realise how important it is for me to put something out every week, while I can.

I spent the most wonderful afternoon with four friends I had met on twitter and who have been so supportive. Two of them had travelled over from Ireland for a long weekend and made a point of blocking off a whole afternoon, just to spend some quality time with me. They were driven over by another beautiful friend and her husband, a journey of an hour and a half each way, and they could not have done anything more to make the afternoon such a lovely experience. My illness, in a sense, brought us together and will ultimately split us. However, the experience we shared will live on through the four of you and the shared tears were a sign of true affection. xx

I have the pleasure of doing the same with 6 or 7 friends up in Bradford next week, when I am up there doing a chocolate tasting and demo for Homeless Beanies UK, along with a very, very special guest. Someone suggested I should get T-Shirts printed for my 'Hello/Goodbye' tour. It is a good job I don't have the money to do so, as I would :)  There are also one or two more visits to friends being arranged. :)))

Then, out of the blue last night, when I was totally flopped out after the afternoon, I received a tweet from a lovely woman, who only started following me about eight weeks ago, asking if she had missed my blog, as she had not seen it on Twitter. That message, meant so much to me, as when i started writing my blog, I always said that if my message reaches one person, I was doing what I set out to do. So, @sashlennox take a bow :)

Add to that, the countless friends who message me just to see how things are, and the one or two I see regularly and I am one lucky blogger

On the chocolate front, things have slowed down a little but think people are waiting for December (or at least I hope so). I am on target for getting what I set out for in the first place for my estranged daughter and what will be her final presents from me. I wont lie, each batch of chocolates does tire me out and there may be the odd tear or two shed as I make them BUT it is for her I do this xx

On the health front, I have experienced one or two difficulties and setbacks but that is to be expected and like everything else, I chose to dance xx

Here we go again but not for long

One day you will wake up and I will not be there

No text good morning, no dancing through the day

There won't be a message saying goodnight

And no silly pictures to put a smile on your face

I only hope you find something to take from my time

And you have only fond memories of me

With no regrets, no if only's

Was not going to do a blog this week, as compared to other weeks, I have lost over 100 readers. Maybe I am boring  some people with my constant chocolate message, but I only have a short time to try and promote it and get chocolate orders for getting my daughter who I no longer see, a final Christmas present.

 http://hometohomecooking.wix.com/atasteofchocolates

Or maybe it was because it was Children In Need this last week, and people are all 'charitied' out? I know it can all be a bit too much at times but I am not a charity or asking for hand outs.

Could be the flu bug that has been doing the rounds? I know a few friends who have been hit by it really bad and it has knocked them off their feet for a few days. As I keep telling them, when that happens, take the time for yourselves to get better and don't feel guilty about it. 

However, I have had chats with a few people this last week or so and decided on the back of those conversations to continue with my blog, while I can. Some find them inspirational, others informative and it is for those people, I decided to write one in the first place.

The lines at the top are for all the people I know and have become friends with. It is these friendships that have helped me get through this far and I do sincerely hope that you are all left with a happy smile at the thought of me.

Health wise, there have certainly been some issues but I will deal with them, as I will all the other areas that come from having cancer and living on my own. I am made from strong stuff and although I have been emotional of late, I will fight and fight until they drag me away.

I went along to the BBC Good Food Show, despite probably needing to be laid up on the sofa, and managed to see the wonderful @AnjulaDevi who had queues for her stall, that others would have loved. Thankfully seeing her and the lovely Irish ladies for lunch next weekend. 

Some of you know that I am doing a chocolate tasting evening in Bradford on the 5th December with Homeless Beanies UK. Street Homelessness is something I have always felt passionately about and to top the day off, I get to have lunch and say goodbye to my Yorkshire posse :) http://www.everydayhero.co.uk/event/CheeseandWineDonations

Just to finish off with a massive thank you to some people who have gone out of their way to make sure I am okay. You know who you are and you know what you have done, so I will not embarrass anyone here by naming them xxx

Will I get to the finishing line

I have to admit, that as the making of the Christmas chocolates has started in earnest, I am now beset with the massive fear that I will either not reach my target through lack of sales, although orders have started really well, or that I become too poorly to fulfill my commitment, again no reason to think I wont. However, this is a real fear and it tugs deep in my heart if I cannot do what I want to do and give my daughter something to remember me by at Christmas.

Have no idea why these thoughts are at the front of my mind, as i am trying my best to be so positive every day but then again, why have I started crying at almost anything? I cried for almost half hour non stop watching the young girl being reunited with her father on the Festival of Remembrance. Partly because it was so beautiful to see and partly because I know that it will not happen for me. Obviously my mindset NEEDS to be positive and remain positive. I know health wise, I cannot cope with stress and need to dance with each day with a smile on my heart.

I have messages each day from people who say I inspire them, yet really, it is they who inspire me, for it shows me that this sometimes cruel world in which we live, has so many people who love and care, not just for me but for their families, their partners, their friends. As someone who has always been deprived of that, or hidden from it, it warms me to the core to witness it. So friends, please stand up and take a bow. Again, you know who you all are, so I will not embarrass you by naming you all individually x

It is now only a couple of weeks until I have lunch with some of my Irish and London friends who have been so supportive with the chocolates and with me, something I am so looking forward to, as I am meeting up to eight friends in Bradford before
http://www.everydayhero.co.uk/event/CheeseandWineDonations on the 5th December, which is my chance to help Homeless Beanies UK and Street Homelessness. If tickets sell well for this, I will have to make just short of 1200 chocolates for that night!!

Remember, if you want to order the Taste of Christmas Chocolates, all you need to do is follow the instructions here http://hometohomecooking.wix.com/atasteofchocolates

Thank you again for all of your continued love and support, it does make a massive difference. Now, RT this to a chocoholic for me :)

Okay, so it seems talking about it is taboo

I am going to dedicate the first part of this blog to positive news, that way, the few people who have made comment that talking about terminal illness can turn off. A bit like not wanting to see the scores from the football on the news before watching Match of the Day on a Saturday night.

First weekend of my Tastes of Christmas Chocolates sales has seen orders for 16 boxes, which have all been freshly made and will be going out tomorrow. Those of you who have followed my blog and know the reason I am doing the chocolates will appreciate how much this means to me. If I can get a similar number of orders each week, I will be able to get my daughter, who I no longer see, a final Christmas present(s) that she will remember. For those of you who are new to me and have not read any of the previous blogs, I plan to get her a portrait of the two of us (taken from two separate photo's) and a laptop that will get her through her A levels and College, so please, if you are considering getting some, email me what you would like hometohomecooking@hotmail.co.uk  (you will put a smile on a father's face)

Staying on a chocolate theme, I am part of an evening in Bradford on the 5th December to help raise attention to Street Homelessness and the role Homeless Beanies UK plays. http://www.everydayhero.co.uk/event/CheeseandWineDonations  It is a long way for me to travel by public transport but I will because it is something I am passionate about and I want to be there to explain how by buying Homeless Beanies UK, you are helping the street homeless help themselves (well, that will be the idea) .

I still want to work with the two other charities I have previously named but I cannot do that on a single order basis. Buy in bulk, it makes my life so much easier and then gives you incentive to sell them on or use for promotion.

Talking of charity, I just want to have a little moan about BBC Children in Need, which I have supported every year. I read a story that Panorama had been ordered by the BBC not to continue its investigations into reports that some of our money is actually paid in to Hedge Funds and that they then invest in things like tobacco fields (and I am a smoker). One of the BBC Directors stated that they have no control as to where this money is invested. WHAT??? I shall not be donating this year but will make a contribution directly to a Children's Charity.

Okay, those of you who don't want to read about cancer/terminal illness and emotions, this is the time for you to click off and go look at cute photo's of puppies and kittens (I would if I had the choice)

I think I made a big mistake in my last blog when I said that sometimes, when people check on me, I sometimes take their feelings into consideration before I answer as to how I am. This has resulted in numerous people not asking, which was never my intention, so sorry.

I made a promise to my best friend last week, which is only fair, that I will arrange to see the consultant with her, mainly because she fears she will miss crucial signs of my health deteriorating. As she is my next of kin and the person who will let you all know, when something does happen, I am happy to do this but I am not too sure how quick they will be, after me sacking them all earlier this year. I suppose signs like constant pain in left bicep and shoulder, will not just go away but at the same time, having it checked out will not make me better.

To finish off on the cancer front, I do find myself getting very emotional, for no apparent reason and this goes from floods of tears to an anger that I do not like, as it is not me at all. If, like me, you or a loved one is suffering with issues around this, please consult http://www.canceractive.com/index.aspx who are excellent or drop me an email.

Halloween Special Blog

Just for something a a little different, I want to share with you an experience from 8 years ago. It is a true account of what happened and has not been embelished or added to in any way.

The local Mental Health team who were in the office next to ours, set up an out of hours service for people in the community in crisis. They were looking for people to man the 'evening' office who would patch through to professionals who were out and about and could call in on the person in crisis.

I agreed to do the Thursday and Friday evenings, as I could do with the extra cash, and as such, was office based with a different person on each of the evenings.

Anyway, about 4 weeks in to this arrangement, I was on one of the phones to someone who was having a few problems, while my colleague was on the other phone talking to an old dear who was struggling with being out of hospital and back in her own home.

We arranged for the Social Worker who was out and about to call in on both of them, job done, no problems. Next evening, on with a different colleague and a different Social Worker. Similar thing happens, only this time, I am making coffee when my colleague gets a very tearful call from said old lady again. Very upset and wanted to see the nice Social Worker again. My colleague explained it was someone else on duty but that we would get them to drop by. Again, problem solved.

The office was closed on the Saturday and Sunday and on the Monday morning I went in to Child Protection as per usual. Just before 11, I got a call from the manager of the Mental Health Team to ask if I could spare 15 minutes. I went through and in to a meeting with the two colleagues I had worked with and the two Social Workers who were out in the community, plus their boss.

We were asked about the phone calls and visits to the afore mentioned old lady and we each gave our version of the events on the Thursday and Friday night. All of us gave our accounts and apart from the second Social Worker admitting they stayed a little longer because they felt she deserved a bit more company, they were all pretty much the same.

The senior Social Worker explained that she had received a phone call from the old lady's daughter that morning, asking why her staff were going in to her mother's house on the Thursday and Friday evening as her mother had died on the Wednesday !!!

True story.

Christmas Chocolate Orders

A

 Taste Of...

Handmade Chocolates for Christmas

Just in time for Christmas we are bringing out a new range of chocolates which include Cranberry, Mulled Wine, and the Nutmeg & Peel.

They are the perfect after dinner chocolate and are designed to melt in your mouth

At £8.75 per box inclusive of postage, you are buying a quality home made product made only from natural ingredients.

Customer Information
Contact Name
Business Name
Telephone Number
Address
Post Code	Town

Delivery Details if different
Contact Name
Business Name
Telephone Number	Date
Address
Post Code	Town

To order, please just fill in details and send in an email to hometohomecooking@hotmail.co.uk, stating how many boxes you require

Payment via Bank Transfer. Account number: 83388204  Sort Code: 20-71-03

Psst, Can you keep a secret

One of the biggest problems of living with terminal illness is knowing who to say what to. I am constantly battling with myself as to what to say, when people get in touch with me and ask how I am? They are just being good friends and their concern is appreciated, however it is also a burden on my ability to keep my own counsel. If I am having a bad day pain wise, just say, and I am asked by three people over the course of the day how I am, I have to think, who is asking me, how much can I tell them, how much can they actually take? After all, it is not as if they are just round the corner, or across the road, they are usually hundreds of miles away. Quite often, I am left with the default, "I'm fine" or "I'm okay" That way, they have fulfilled their friends bit by asking and I have protected them by giving a neutral answer.

Then I might get a text message or a call. What have you had to eat today David? Before I know it, I have thought about everything that might be going on with the person who is asking and I have had a five course banquet. I then spend the next 24 hours worrying that I have mislead, albeit because I have had to make an educated decision as to whether it is better to keep the secret that I may have just managed some fruit. And heaven forbid if someone asks me about feelings or emotions!!

Enough of that, you get the idea.

Update on my wish to get a portrait and laptop for my daughter for Christmas is that a lovely artist now has in his possession two recent photographs and a request to make me handsome!! Still looking at laptops but need to sell my Christmas chocolates first to be able to do so. Have gone for £5.75 a box plus £3 postage, which I know could buy you a big tin of Roses/Quality Street but you will not get these flavours or purity of chocolate. Remember, my chocolates have no added sugars or preservatives and are meant as a bit of a luxury. Also, buying a tin of Celebrations (and yes, I do like them) does not help me get my daughter her last ever Christmas present from me (sorry if that sounds emotional blackmail :( ...)

Exciting chocolate news in the form of doing a chocolate tasting along with Homeless Beanies UK on the 5th December in Bradford. For full details of the evening, of which I am only a small cog, you are best contacting @HomelessBeaniesUK , who now have their own exclusive chocolates.

I am organising two lunches as well at the moment, one with my lovely Irish and London based friends and then one with the Yorkshire crew. Both of these groups have been so supportive of me and this blog and it will be so nice to spend some actual time with them.

Want to finish this off with a massive thank you to the people I keep the secrets from. I could not manage each day without you. You know what you do for me but of course, I am sworn to secrecy :)

They Shoot Horses Don't They?

Those of us of a certain age, will remember this film, starring Jane Fonda, set at a Marathon Dance. For those of you too young to have seen it, may I be bold in suggesting you give it a go? The overall sentiment of it is of course very poignant to me and although I could not claim it to be in my top 100 films it does however deal with the whole subject of when life can become too much. And no, it does not mean I am at that stage, yet. I have always loved Cherry Blossom time of Spring and plan to see it again.

I have had occasion over this last week to feel very humbled by one or two peoples private offers of help, if I need it. Never let it be said that you cannot find true friendship on a Social Network site because I am living proof that it does happen. I will never name them, as they made the offers in private but they know who they are and what they offered. As I said, humbled and thankful for having them as friends. I have also arranged three lunches with friends I have met on line and plan to honour them, as it may be the only opportunity. I also have numerous friends who take it upon themselves to check I am okay and keeping a smile on my face.

I have also been asked by one or two people questions that I unfortunately do not have the answer to. All I can say is that when something does happen to me, measures have been put in place to ensure everyone knows, yet another task that befalls my best friend, bless her. One of the questions I am regularly asked is where do I think the cancer originated? Given that it emanates from the Pancreas, the biggest indicator is lifestyle. During my prime years, working late nights, drinking fizzy drinks full of aspartame and yes, smoking and drinking far too much coffee at ungodly hours. Add to that, the increase in processed foods and you can quickly see how I let my body become a battle ground. Do yourselves a favour, look at the chemicals you are putting in to your bodies, aspartame is very scary and if you are a man, lay off the Soy based milks and foods.

My final two tasters have been selected for the Christmas chocolates have been finally selected (had over 200 applicants)  and  they will receive their chocolates this week and depending on their reports back to me, the chocolates will be available to be purchased from the first week of November. They taste of Christmas and are made of only natural ingredients with no added sugars or preservatives. Yes, you could buy a tin of Roses for the same price and I will be as well, but these are special and as I have already said, the profits from which will go to me buying my daughter her last ever Christmas presents from me.

I have decided on two things for her. Firstly a laptop that will see her through 6th form and college, especially as the old one she had has recently blown up. The second thing is a portrait of me and her. I plan to ask an artist to put together something nice, based on a photograph of each of us. I hope she will like both equally and it is my motivation to keep going and do something positive with the skills I still possess.

As well as the Christmas Chocolates, I last night negotiated a range of chocolates for a particular organisation, who will be revealed in the next few days hopefully. I have made them their own chocolate, with their own unique flavour, chosen by them and I have to say, they are amazing and like nothing on the market today. Also looking at doing something quite exciting with them, while I still have some energy, before Christmas. And no, I am not playing Santa !!

Thank you to those of you that took part in my little experiment last week. I had reports back from quite a few people and they have independently told me of their experiences, which is very heart warming and further endorses my belief in healing xx

It proves it is all working

Before i begin my usual update on how things are going, just want to say that the winner of my first blog competition was chosen at random this morning. Sarah Ash has now become an official taster for my Tastes of Christmas range of chocolates, which are available to order from bonfire night. I will be choosing another taster at random, next Sunday morning, all you have to do is read and RT this blog to be in with the chance (had 147 RT's last week) and would like to double that.

As I have said, this year, the profits from the chocolates are going to buying my daughter the last Christmas present I will be able to get her, so please, spread the word and yes, the chocolates are hand made, contain no preservatives or sugars and really do taste of Christmas.
I know you can buy a tin of Roses or Celebrations and I will be too but these are special, after dinner chocolates and did I say they TASTE of Christmas :)

And now for the boring update bit :)

This week has been a bit tough really as I have been suffering with a bit of an upset tummy and a few nose bleeds. It could be a bug but obviously in my condition, every ailment is viewed with massive suspicion. I do have my blood tests due (it is the only thing I am using my doctors for) so it should pick up whatever the problem is. The main problem for me though is the fact that to go shopping, I have to walk or if I can, catch a bus, neither of which are perfect with an upset tummy and feeling a little weak on my legs but still needed. it is amazing what we take for granted but even walking to the nearest shop takes planning and of course, i cannot carry much.

Despite that though, I have managed to get away this week for a bit of sea air, been to the cinema (with only one loo break) and for two treatments. I cannot just stop and give in to it all and refuse to stop dancing with each day.

I have also been asked why I moved to an area where I was so isolated. Simple truth, if I had not moved when I did, thank to my best friend, I would not have seen the summer. I needed the fresh air and the exercise that comes with the isolation. Now summer is well and truly behind us, I need to carry on that regime, no matter the weather, or I may as well give in now.

On a positive note, after a two week period of not speaking, my daughter got in touch again today to show me her preparations for her halloween party :)

Finally, I want to try an experiment this week. At 7.30 pm on Thursday, I want all of my friends and readers to put out their right hand, palm facing the floor, for 2 minutes. I then want you to let me know what you feel. Might sound daft but to me, it will prove that something is working.

If this is the beginning of the end, where do I get off

So many things have happened over this last week, both good and bad, that I am almost struggling to know where to begin.

I suppose the easiest beginning is with a thank you to all of you you who take the time to read, pass on and indeed message me about my blog. It is extremely humbling to have people contact me and say it provoked something in them, or that they could relate to it. I have spent too many years hiding from myself and others, through fear of hurting them or being hurt myself, so it is nice to get my ramblings out there and share my identity.

I have now reached week 7 of no medication, a choice that I made as what I felt was best for me and one that will allow me to die with a little dignity when the time arrives. I know that for some people, it would never be the right choice and I totally respect their decision to continue with medication. They will hopefully, if terminal, be surrounded by the people they love and who love them, either in their own home or hospice and it will happen peacefully. Mine will be different and again, it is my choice to make and make it I will. 

The alternative therapies are going nicely, with reflexology, aromatherapy, Reiki and magnets all being used to their full effect. I did not go back to pilates, not because I did not like it but I can not bring myself to do it in a group situation. Hopefully, I may find one to one sessions. Even with the alternative therapies, I have had some issues this week that made me want to go back on my decision, but only for five minutes. If I get a headache or any other pain or ailment, the moment I reach for a codeine or paracetamol, my body will immediately crave something stronger, which is something I am not willing to do.

Physical pain is almost manageable, just, but the stress a family, particularly a very uncaring and disjointed one can bring upon you, is far worse, as it rips in to open wounds like salt. I unfortunately experienced that again in this last week with my younger brother and mother trying to interfere. I wish I could say it was out of love but know full well it is about my will and future plans for my daughter. The prodigal son, otherwise known as 'Golden Child' has not bothered for 5 years, so why now???

Enough of the whinging, I hear you cry, and I agree. There are far too many positives that I can take from each day, to allow myself to be dragged down to the depths they want me at.

Like, made the first taster batch of Christmas chocolates. They will be sent to my chosen tasters on Monday for approval and all being well, will be available for purchase around the first week of November onwards.

Like, being able to spend quality time with people that I want in my life, although not unfortunately all of them but not through lack of want on either part, just time and life can get in the way.

Like having so many caring friends on here, who help far more than they probably realise.

Like, getting others to dance with their day and appreciate it only ever comes round once.

I apologise for the family vent of hurt and frustration and promise to keep it off my blog from this point on. Hope it does not deflect too much from anything else I have said here and that you will not all abandon the blog. I appreciate and value your participation. 

David xxx

Blog Extra Bit

Some of you who really know me, will know that over the last year, myself and more so my best friend, Angela Spencer, have raised around £6000 for various charities, mainly but not exclusively cancer related. I am also providing chocolates for 'One Voice' a charity for Domestic Violence Victims and Target Ovarian Cancer through Georgina May.

Again, those who know me, know that this will be my last Christmas and as such, I have decided that the proceeds from my For A Taste Of Christmas Chocolates this year will not go directly to charity but will help towards the costs of my alternative treatments and to getting one last decent present for my daughter.

I am looking at festive moulds and boxes or tins now, so should be raring to go next week.

I hope that no one begrudges me this decision but as my ability to work decreases on a weekly basis, I am fed up of living like some sort of  tramp, dependent on the good will of others to be able to afford the costly treatments, although I love them dearly for doing it. xx

The advertisements for the Christmas Chocolates and yes they do really taste of Christmas and are a perfect present for family who live far from you will be out next week and in the meantime, if anyone wants the charity chocolates, just contact @EveThomas40 or @georgina_May

Is that just the one, I could give you so many more

Thirty two years ago, to the very week (I remember it all too well), a teacher who I held as a bit of a 'father figure' (and boy, did I need a positive role model) made a statement about me, a life changing statement and something which has driven me for all of my adult life, and not always in a good way. He called me a 'Plodder'.

I was deeply upset by this comment, how could a man I admired and trusted call me that? At the time when I really needed support from adults around me (those that really know me, will know why), his words caused me to cut him completely out of my life, to the point of disliking him and throwing him in the pile with all the other adults who had badly let me down.

From that moment, I vowed, through snotty nose and tears streaming down my face, that I would prove him wrong and rise from adversity. I threw this determination in to becoming Captain of the school rugby team and delighting when we won our first ever trophy. I self educated to make sure I became an almost straight A student and despite putting myself in to the care system, I was hell bent on becoming the best person I ever could be.

This drive has defined my life, even to this day. I can be the best friend you have ever had and there is nothing I would not do for you. I strive to be the most attentive lover you could have in your life (form an orderly queue ladies). I am never satisfied at doing something well, if it is not perfect and I am my own worst critic, always finding something wrong in what I have achieved. As a Child Protection Officer, I could always have got in their sooner, despite being hauled in by the bosses more times than I can remember for being too 'gung-ho'. As a cook, I always say it would have been better if I had only added this or not used that. As a father, I could and should have given you one more cuddle or word of encouragement. And what's that ladies, you could have had another orgasm?

You see, in striving to be the best, you only set yourself up for disappointment when things do not go according to plan. Take my health for instance. You all know by now that I have terminal cancer. You also know that I am entering week 6 of not taking any medication and allowing myself a strong belief in positive thought and alternative therapies helping me through the final stages. However, because of my determination to see out my remaining months this way, I have suffered with a blinding headache all weekend and will not reach for a pain killer because that would be a failure in my eyes.

Then friendships. Yes, I can be the best friend ever and I would do absolutely anything for you but at the risk of suffocating you and being left feeling so low when it is not reciprocated the way I believe it should. "What do you mean, you were too busy to text me"

As a father, despite wanting to be the best one ever, I now sit in the hope that my daughter has some time in her schedule to message me (and I love the fact that after 6 months, she does regularly).

My old teacher, who I so wish I could contact, was right, at the time I was a 'Plodder' and I should have taken it as the compliment it was, as he saw me as someone, who despite all the horrific abuse and childhood, just got on with things. So, if you ever come across a bearded Irish languages teacher, who will be retired now and answers to the name of Jim (Paddy) Armstrong, give him my love and respect.

However, despite admitting this, I also have to thank him for his words making me the lover I am :)

Slushy Tourettes

Any of my friends that know me, know that I write poetry, or as my best friend calls it, 'Slushy Tourettes'. I write mainly for myself, rather than for a particular person and my friends description is lovingly fitting. I have written a book of poetry, that will be given to everyone at my funeral (suppose I had better sign it now) and have several hundred poems that did not make the book. 

I was travelling yesterday, thinking about us coming to the first official day of Autumn, and this came in to my muddled head.

As the summer of my life fades gently into the distance

May I appreciate with grace the days my Autumn will bring

For like the trees that shed their leaves to make way for new life

Then my body I will depart 

It has become very noticeable to myself this week, that my body is changing. I already knew about the weight loss, although as I was overweight to begin with, 3 1/2 stone is a big improvement. Going down from a 36 waist to a 31 has meant some new trousers/jeans and a smaller belt and have had to go to charity shops and get myself a few medium build tops. The final straw though is having to get new boxers because my older ones wont stay up (thought you might all like to know that). 

The real pin in my balloon though was taking a look at my legs. For years, I was a rugby player at quite a decent level and when my body could take no more of being hit, I took up squash, playing two or three times a week. My legs were powerful, muscular and strong as a result and were always my favourite bit about me. However, after some treatments, I had a long soak in the bath and lay there and stare at two pieces of me that I could hardly recognise. The muscle definition has gone, although the are still reasonably strong from all the walking. I then looked at the rest of my body, something I very rarely do. My hips are now bony and my upper arms have lost any passing thought of the weights they used to lift. I still have muscle there but if I look long enough, I can convince myself that the skin is getting tighter and tighter.

However, I do not wish anyone to think that I am all doom and gloom, as that is certainly not me. I have so much to be thankful for and I tell each day so, as I dance with it. My daughter is back in my life, albeit still not at the stage of meeting up but hours chatting. My best friend has again surpassed herself and I have some wonderful friends and special people in my life. I have sorted out some good treatments (had a few already) and have now finished my fourth week without any medication.

I have people in contact with me everyday, saying how my musings have helped them make their own decisions (THEIR OWN, NOT MINE) and on twitter, I am a dancing tart, having numerous partners everyday. 

Right, back to writing my slushy stuff :))

Flies in the ointment but dancing continues

As the majority of you will know, well those of you who have followed my blog or know me well, I have terminal cancer and almost a month ago took the decision to come off mainstream medication and live the remainder of my life in clarity and enjoyment. I am convinced that by doing this and not giving in to the illness and the methods of managing it through the normal ways that I could add several months to my life and have some nice times and hopefully create good memories for others.

The medications that I was on and have now completely left my body were covered by a NHS exemption certificate, which basically meant that I did not have to pay a penny for them, something I paid full National Insurance for 25 years for, so never felt guilty about it despite the fact that I know at least two of the drugs are very expensive. Unfortunately, the only thing within the range of complimentary medicines is the enjoyment of going out for walks in the countryside to feed the ducks. Oh, wait a minute, that is not free either.

To give you some ideas of the costs of alternative therapies, Reiki ranges between £20-£40 per session. Aromatherapy between £30-£60. Massage £30-£60 (and no, that is not with 'extra's'). Add to that, vitamin supplements at £25 and fresh food that is not smothered in chemicals and you can soon see that alternative therapies do not come in cheap. Not that I begrudge the money needed for it but from the starting point of free medication, the cost this month has been high. Did I mention I don't drive anymore either, so I have the travel costs to factor in as well each week.

Added to this is the high cost of my life insurance policies which have to be maintained, and no, I did not take critical illness out at the time (well, have you?). Did the observant among you notice no entertainment costs factored in there? Do the dying need entertained?

However, if I want to carry on away from the drugs, I am going to have to find some way of affording this. I suppose I could give in, go back on the drugs and sit in a daze just waiting but that is not me and I will have to look at ways of raising the money, maybe pushing the catering, although I have been avoiding this as it does tire me out, as much as I enjoy it. (not the cooking but the travelling to and from a cooking job, did I mention I rely on buses and trains and the buses don't run in the evenings here).

The next fly that landed in my ointment was a medical one. I found myself with my liver becoming inflamed and I am convinced I can feel a growth (believe me, when you have it, you think it is everywhere). How can I, after sacking my medical team, then go and ask for treatment for the new symptoms? I can't!! So, yet more costs looking at alternative therapies that will help (good old milk thistle).

Despite my inane rambling, I have to say that I am not all doom and gloom. I am determined to dance with each day, smile at people with my heart and enjoy everything that I can. I know that one or two people have privately been in touch with me and told me that I have inspired them to come off medication for various complaints (although I do worry when people see me as an inspiration).

I have made some lovely friends over the last month or two, to add to the lovely friends I already had, which really does help me on a daily basis and I thank them for their friendship, their time and company, either in person, phone or social media which is priceless. On top of that, my estranged daughter has now spoken to me a couple of times this week, for a few hours at a time, which for someone who was so scared that we would never talk again, is seen as a miracle, believe me.

And to finish off on a cooking note, several people sent me lovely photographs of their home cooked food, which have brightened up my business page on face book and have made it on to my new website (work in progress) http://hometohomecooking.wix.com/homecookedfoods

Seeing life through green eyes when mine are blue

It has been quite an eventful week for me, I am pleased to say, as now I am off my medication, I can see things far more clearly and appreciate their true meaning and worth.

Biggest moment for me has been a four hour conversation with my daughter, who many of you know, has been missing in my life since Easter. It is not a case of her running back into her father's open arms but it was dialogue and mostly of a friendly and loving nature. She also sent me a photograph which made me see how much she has grown up without me in the last 6 months. If she chooses to read this blog, all I can say to her is that I love you and I am sorry for any of my wrong doings.

In other news, I have recently received some lovely books from equally lovely friends. I never name names on my blogs (well occasionally) but they know who they are and I want to let them know how much I appreciate the books and their friendships. It is the little tokens of giving and taking that keep me going, although I do know that not everyone needs those tokens to know how much they mean to me.

Another dear friend, who I will definately not name lost her mother this week, after an illness. She knows that my heart is with her and that I will be there if and when she needs. It is all anyone can offer. xx

I have a couple of other friends who are going through major issues in their lives and by looking through their eyes, it helps me understand that we all have to face difficult decisions and scenarios and all we can hope to do is come through it and hope we have the support and friendships to help us carry on. Again, they know that my friendship and support and new found energy is theirs for the taking. xx

I spent a couple of lovely days away by the sea, even taking in a beautiful sunset into the water that has revitalised my inner energy and have the chance to go back for a couple of days :)

I made a really bad decision on Friday evening. After getting my hair cut and seeing the greyness of my hair as it flopped to the floor,  I decided to do something about it. Now at 46, educated and pretty self confident, you would think I would know better. But a little voice inside me said, "you have spent the last three weeks making yourself feel better without the pain relief medication, now is the time for doing something to the outside of your body" I wish the little voice had been still floating around in opiates !! I opted for a 'light brown' the colour my hair used to be. I followed the instruction to the letter, even setting an alarm for the rinse off reminder. I stood in the shower and let it run clear. I towel dried it. I looked in the mirror and instead of seeing me as of ten years ago, what I saw was a 46 year old fool with what looked like a tin of shoe polish smeared over his hair!! There will be no photo's of this and I can only apologise to the friends I do see over the next 6 weeks, I will wear a hat if it helps :))

Take me for a sandwich instead

Well, this is now me two weeks after giving up on any medication or interventions with regards my pancreatic cancer and I can honestly say, I have never felt more alive. Who knows whether it is the right long term choice but to live each day without a fogginess in my head, to see things how they clearly are and to be able to enjoy each moment is such a blessing.

The pain does not seem to be any worse and I am keeping a keen check on my potassium levels but as they are very much dependent upon mood and stress (as well as diet), they seem to be pretty stable. My overall mood is high and I am in love with the world and anyone that follows me on twitter knows that I dance with the day. Except Sunday. Sunday is an agreed gentle stroll, hand in hand, to enjoy what it has to offer, at a more sedate pace.

Having the murk of chemicals lift themselves off my mind has also let me see the mistakes I have made in the last six months and hopefully my new found energy from my regime of apple & cinnamon water, will give me the strength to put as much of this right as possible. I do not want anyone to feel let down by my mistakes and want to make sure that this next period is a happy and memorable one for those involved in my life, or indeed, those who have still to come in to it.

As I said last week, this is not a choice for everybody in a similar situation, it is something that each individual should have the right to decided though and I thank all of my friends and especially my best friend, for supporting me whole heartedly with my choice. I know, there is the fear that it will hit with a vengeance but I am hopeful with the new found health kick, the complimentary medicines and if I can find an appropriate Reiki instructor without having to travel more than a bus ride, that it can be kept in the background. It will never go away and one day it will take over but until then, I can dance and smile and be in love with the world as my twitter friends will testify.

I have built up a new circle of friends, as I had pushed all of my old ones away, apart from my best friend and I hope over the upcoming months to visit or meet up.  I need to apologise to all of my new friends in advance, especially if we meet up and have a meal. I am the worlds worst person to eat out with. I find fault, no matter how minor (or indeed major) in practically every meal and I am not adverse to letting the owner, chef etc what the problem is. It comes down to my cooking of course and if I can see that someone has taken a short cut, used a microwave, bought cheap ingredients but try and pass them off as fresh/organic etc. I do not go out with the intention of doing so but I would never short change anyone with any of my dishes and would hope that I balance it out with praise when a meal is good and a little bit of pride has gone in to it. Probably safer to take me for a sandwich in the park !!

To finish off on some food input though, I have to say that I am continually impressed with my friend Liz from Wales. Her dishes are getting better each time and she is learning to throw away the cook books and cook from the heart, something I know her family love. A year ago, I would have tried to persuade her to work alongside me and create food to make people smile :)

After all the choice is personal

I have never written a post, read it and deleted it and started again. Well not until now that is. It was all in black and white at 02.00 and deleted five minutes later. Which believe me, is not my usual writing style. I do not procrastinate, I write from the heart and what you see is what you get, not a watered down edited version.

However, this blog is just a little different, not because it is a milder version of what I had originally wrote but because for the first time, I have had to think long and hard about the message it may give out to some. For those people in a similar position to myself, their carers, their loved ones and their friends, what I am about to write takes nothing from yourselves or indeed my loved ones, carers and friends.

It is not saying that my way, which I will come on to discuss, is right. It is however saying that I am making and have made some choices that I think will be best for me, although it may not be to the approval of those I choose to have around me. However, it is my life and I will choose how I wish to live the rest of it and you can either back me and help me in my choices or you can be made to look very self centred and selfish. Basically though, if you class yourself as a true friend of mine, then you will respect and support.

First and foremost I have made the decision not to continue meeting with my medical team. Apart from advising me on pain management, they were only really providing me with someone to meet for lunch, which was all very nice but I have made friends who can fulfill the social experiences. The two nurses involved are fully understanding of my decision and we now have an agreement that they will come back at my behest, some time in the future.

Apart from losing two people to socially interact with, it also means that I have made the choice to control my pain management, which is easy, there will be none. I have weaned myself off fentanyl patches which is a slow release opioid, along with diazepam, which has not been easy as it stays in your system for 72 hours but I have done this during an extremely busy period in my life, so my mind has been occupied. Anyone who has been on an opioid will tell you that apart from helping with the pain, it also clouds your mental function and half the time you struggle to make an informed decision or act upon a situation. Neither of which is a good place for me to be.

As I have said in previous posts, I have lost my daughter and my dog during that period and spent lots of time in social isolation, mainly because I could not function properly or argue my corner. That is changing.

I have replaced the medication with natural alternatives and a better living choice, which for me, so far has worked. Yes, I still have the pains but I also have a new mindset in dealing with it. I have been helped along the way by an organisation called Cancer Active, who have some brilliant advice on alternative therapies and have spent many a long hour answering my queries.

I have to also thank my best friend, who by arranging for me to move to where I am now, has given me the opportunity to stop being a victim and change my life and my mindset around. It has shown me that I had become too dependent on one person and one course of action and was almost happy in my self pity. By being isolated, it has made me search out new ways of thinking and some new friends, who I can share different things with, taking from them but also hopefully giving something back. That is a big thing for me, I need to give. Not talking in a monetary sense but in a small way, whether that be my experience, my company and yes, silly little things that friends do for each other. Only by doing that, can I feel like I am living a life and not just sit there everyday and mope about my prognosis.

I need to start each day with a message of smiling and dancing with the day, as I have learned to appreciate each day I have and look forward to my interactions throughout.

Of course, certain things don't change. My pancreas is still diseased and I have secondary tumours as well as having to keep complete control over my potassium levels by not getting myself stressed and worried and upset. My life insurance premiums remain as they are, extremely high, and my Will and codicils are written, witnessed and lodged and they will never change and I am happy with everything in them. The changes are made in the mind and in how I plan to live.

I hope everyone in my position, finds the strength to make their choices, it took me long enough.

Probably should have deleted this one as well.

Warning. This is a food blog and may upset someone

When I first started writing my blog, I announced that I would split them between the personal and the food related. Just looking back on my posts, I realise that I have to date, only written one piece on food. However, as my food is personal, as in creating it was my escape from the world of cancer and child protection work, I quickly forgave myself and I hope anyone bothering to read this will too.

I have been very fortunate, over the past few weeks, to have been receiving one to one tuition from some of the Countries top chefs. Sworn to secrecy as to who, but watch out for an announcement around November time. They quickly reminded me what it was that drew me to cooking in the first place, which was flavours. Looking at combinations to see what foods, herbs, and spices go together and they have now got me including wild berries and the likes to my dishes.

Here is an example, although you cannot see the base of wild mushroom and blood orange. Photography course for me next I think.

It is a citrus thyme mash, which was served with salmon cooked with wild berries and cooked over pine kernels and wild mushrooms. (Sorry for the lack of finished photo but was not supposed to be taking any :)

I have also been sent two lovely Persian dishes to try this weekend and again will put my own slant on it with flavours in mind and will hopefully be able to do the dishes justice although they would be so much better with a fresh fig, Ruth :)

Baking an oat and linseed bread at the moment and have introduced some fresh apricot all chopped finely in to it.

My final words in this post however, go to the lovely Liz from @smileypetz who has taken on the mantle of protoge and in my opinion surpassed me in the finished product, all she needs to do now is throw away those recipes and make dishes up from her own head, something she was able to do with a recent challenge I set her.
Paprika roasted sweet potato, with grilled leaks, beetroot jelly and Orange and Shrimp vinaigrette

Not bad from someone who three or four months ago, claimed she could not cook.

So there you go, a food blog, I can do it :)

My life in an instant

I am now entering my 9th week of living in a leafy village in rural Hertfordshire and I have to say, the area, plus having to walk everywhere (except for the odd irregular bus) has done my health the world of good. I have lost weight, enjoy the nature of the countryside and have even been adopted by a family of ducks, who recognise me approaching and all come off the river to greet me.

I have spent a few lovely hours in the company of two of my favourite people, the Kaplans and I have made new friends and been lucky enough to share some time with them in person or via good old twitter. I have been appointed a nursing team, who are very relaxed and will meet me anywhere for a coffee, so it feels far more social than clinical, although, to be honest, I am in the mind set of cancelling time with them as I have enough reminders.(monthly life insurance bills tend to do that trick)  I also have a couple of visits planned by some lovely people to look forward to :)

Started making chocolates for two charities, 'One Voice' who help with Domestic Violence and Target, who specialise in Ovarian Cancer. Both of which I hope go really well, for obvious reasons and I hope my twitter friends support by ordering some of these chocolates from One Voice @EveThomas40 and @GeorgianaMay. I have also been involved in something very exciting on the cooking front that will become apparent by the end of the year :)

Then, well then, nothing. I appear to have lost so much as well. Not being allowed my dog, who was with me daily for 6 years is hard. Originally thought she was going to be 8 miles away from me and that I would see her a few times a week but she is actually 87 miles from me with my daughter, who will still not even speak to me, never mind see me. I did get a series of angry texts 2 weeks ago but that is it. I cannot blame her and in fact never would.

On top of that, I have gone from regular daily contact and long conversations to lucky if I get a text or two from my best friend, who lives closest of all but has so much going on. Not that I am complaining, for without her, I would not be here but if I had realised the cost (not financially) I would have had second thoughts as her friendship and contact meant the most.

If anything, it has taught me to not become dependent upon anyone, not to become a burden and to make the most of what I do have. I wake up each day and smile at the world and the glorious things that nature has to offer me. It has also made me realise that when the time comes, I am not being shipped off to a hospice, I am more likely to get a single ticket to some nice remote location and enjoy.

Some people have said that some of  my blogs are hard reading, and I do not intend them that way. I  hope that they give people a little understanding of everyday life for me and that I appreciate it so much. So please ignore the negatives and if it interests you, enjoy the positives, for I am far more blessed than some :)

David xx

Why did no one tell me I needed a shave? Oh, yeah, I'm single

Found myself in an exceptionally cheery mood this morning on twitter. I was wishing one friend a Happy Anniversary and hoping they had a good meal out to celebrate and suggesting to another friend that her and her husband do something silly, like roll down a hill, hand in hand.

So, there I was, sitting in a pair of boxers and a t-shirt, waiting on the washing machine to finish, so I could have a shower without the water going hot and cold on me, being really happy at the thought of my friends preparing for their day of doing things together. I rubbed my chin and thought, bugger, I have not shaved since I went out for a nice lunch on Thursday and designer stubble had been replaced with whiskers!! On top of that, a friend called me 'jolly'. Jolly with whiskers-help!!

When i lived with a partner, yes, there was the odd day that I could get away with being a bit of a slob but usually, we would have something planned to do, so, shower and shave was first thing I did in the morning, rather than three coffees, a couple of cigarettes and an hour or two on twitter.

I then spoke to two female friends, who shall remain nameless, as I don't want them to think I am gossiping. Both are single and I think are happy with that. One told me her idea of relaxing was fluffy slippers and the other said, it's Sunday, comfy knickers day. (Are my friends more like Bridget Jones than I realised?).

So, while my married friends were off hill rolling or whatever couples do on a weekend, I was looking in a mirror and asking myself, "Do I suit a beard?"  Thankfully the ghost of partners past were sitting on my shoulder to remind me that whiskers, especially grey ones, put at least five years on you. As the razor made contact with the lathered cheeks, I thanked each and every one of them for everything they ever did, everything that we ever did as couples (well, the good bits)
Then, the kettle was back on, coffee made, cigarettes in my pocket and out into the sunshine with a newspaper.

Single life does have some benefits

Who are you

Can anyone honestly say with truthful conviction that they remember the last time they were actually their real self. That person, who looking deep within, you see, you hear, you feel?

For a whole life time now, it feels that I have been putting on an act and what people get now is the composite me that I feel they want. Of course we all do it, it is part of growing up and being shaped by our experiences. The more knowledge we gain, the more we redefine ourselves and as it is all part of nature, we cannot stop it from happening and nor should we. We are born as a blank canvas and we very quickly learn to adapt to what is around us, we cry we get fed.

The reason I ask is that my nurse/counsellor asked me what i wanted for my last six months or so. Not a bucket list, I personally don't believe in them due to the lack of disappointment they can bring when you realise that some of the things you want are beyond your reach and thus always will be.

What I am talking about is the ability to be at peace with yourself, to know exactly who you are. How that is to be achieved is still a work in progress and in all honesty, would I like the real me, if ever I was to find it?

My life is what has made me who I am now and from that amalgamation of experience, is what people draw from me in any friendship. Some will expect me in one way, some in a completely different picture. All I can hope is that 46 years of morphing on a day to day basis, will allow them to say at my funeral. "David, no I did not really know the real you"

So enjoy whatever it is that I can offer, you know I give myself gladly and make myself, or parts of me, available no matter what the situation.

We do exist, honest

Sat thinking for a while about which way I wanted to take this post. I had a few thing s in my head, cancer related but then we had the public unveiling of the four thugs who were responsible for the recent Twitter abuse http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2383808/The-women-hating-Twitter-trolls-unmasked-From-respected-military-man-public-schoolboy-men-anonymously-spew-vile-abuse-online.html

As I write this, my blood is boiling and my thought process can only be described as extremely sad, that yet again, men (and more often than not it is men), have found yet another way to exercise abuse over a female.
Coming from an abused background, physically and sexually for 14 years, it has taken me a long time of concerted effort to be everything my father wasn't. The vast amount of my friends are female and I go out of my way to try and be the perfect gentleman, firstly to reassure myself that the genetics has not rubbed off but also to try and show women, that there are good guys out there. Guys who appreciate as equals. Men who are hot blooded but tender, passionate and compassionate and appreciative. Maybe members of the male population who escaped Mars.

Then, sadly, we have had the case of little Daniel Pelka, the poor little mite who was starved and beaten to death by his mother and stepfather. First and foremost, the two of them are evil personified and thankfully they both received equal sentencing of a minimum of 30 years.

However, anyone who knows me, will know I spent over 20 years working in Child Protection and I have not heard one social worker, teacher, doctor come forward and say, we let this little boy down and suffer. This is not acceptable when there were so many warning signs. It is down to the failures of ALL of these services and it is too late to hold a review and promise to get better at it. This is a person's life we are talking about here!!

To finish off, back to my main blog subject, all I can say is that I am oh so very tired

David
xxx