After all the choice is personal

I have never written a post, read it and deleted it and started again. Well not until now that is. It was all in black and white at 02.00 and deleted five minutes later. Which believe me, is not my usual writing style. I do not procrastinate, I write from the heart and what you see is what you get, not a watered down edited version.

However, this blog is just a little different, not because it is a milder version of what I had originally wrote but because for the first time, I have had to think long and hard about the message it may give out to some. For those people in a similar position to myself, their carers, their loved ones and their friends, what I am about to write takes nothing from yourselves or indeed my loved ones, carers and friends.

It is not saying that my way, which I will come on to discuss, is right. It is however saying that I am making and have made some choices that I think will be best for me, although it may not be to the approval of those I choose to have around me. However, it is my life and I will choose how I wish to live the rest of it and you can either back me and help me in my choices or you can be made to look very self centred and selfish. Basically though, if you class yourself as a true friend of mine, then you will respect and support.

First and foremost I have made the decision not to continue meeting with my medical team. Apart from advising me on pain management, they were only really providing me with someone to meet for lunch, which was all very nice but I have made friends who can fulfill the social experiences. The two nurses involved are fully understanding of my decision and we now have an agreement that they will come back at my behest, some time in the future.

Apart from losing two people to socially interact with, it also means that I have made the choice to control my pain management, which is easy, there will be none. I have weaned myself off fentanyl patches which is a slow release opioid, along with diazepam, which has not been easy as it stays in your system for 72 hours but I have done this during an extremely busy period in my life, so my mind has been occupied. Anyone who has been on an opioid will tell you that apart from helping with the pain, it also clouds your mental function and half the time you struggle to make an informed decision or act upon a situation. Neither of which is a good place for me to be.

As I have said in previous posts, I have lost my daughter and my dog during that period and spent lots of time in social isolation, mainly because I could not function properly or argue my corner. That is changing.

I have replaced the medication with natural alternatives and a better living choice, which for me, so far has worked. Yes, I still have the pains but I also have a new mindset in dealing with it. I have been helped along the way by an organisation called Cancer Active, who have some brilliant advice on alternative therapies and have spent many a long hour answering my queries.

I have to also thank my best friend, who by arranging for me to move to where I am now, has given me the opportunity to stop being a victim and change my life and my mindset around. It has shown me that I had become too dependent on one person and one course of action and was almost happy in my self pity. By being isolated, it has made me search out new ways of thinking and some new friends, who I can share different things with, taking from them but also hopefully giving something back. That is a big thing for me, I need to give. Not talking in a monetary sense but in a small way, whether that be my experience, my company and yes, silly little things that friends do for each other. Only by doing that, can I feel like I am living a life and not just sit there everyday and mope about my prognosis.

I need to start each day with a message of smiling and dancing with the day, as I have learned to appreciate each day I have and look forward to my interactions throughout.

Of course, certain things don't change. My pancreas is still diseased and I have secondary tumours as well as having to keep complete control over my potassium levels by not getting myself stressed and worried and upset. My life insurance premiums remain as they are, extremely high, and my Will and codicils are written, witnessed and lodged and they will never change and I am happy with everything in them. The changes are made in the mind and in how I plan to live.

I hope everyone in my position, finds the strength to make their choices, it took me long enough.

Probably should have deleted this one as well.