My friends made me do this

Again, I was contemplating not writing this blog, as for the second week running, my readers have halved. I think the constant chocolate message along with the cancer message is boring people. God knows, I get bored with living with it every day.

Then a few things happened that made me realise how important it is for me to put something out every week, while I can.

I spent the most wonderful afternoon with four friends I had met on twitter and who have been so supportive. Two of them had travelled over from Ireland for a long weekend and made a point of blocking off a whole afternoon, just to spend some quality time with me. They were driven over by another beautiful friend and her husband, a journey of an hour and a half each way, and they could not have done anything more to make the afternoon such a lovely experience. My illness, in a sense, brought us together and will ultimately split us. However, the experience we shared will live on through the four of you and the shared tears were a sign of true affection. xx

I have the pleasure of doing the same with 6 or 7 friends up in Bradford next week, when I am up there doing a chocolate tasting and demo for Homeless Beanies UK, along with a very, very special guest. Someone suggested I should get T-Shirts printed for my 'Hello/Goodbye' tour. It is a good job I don't have the money to do so, as I would :)  There are also one or two more visits to friends being arranged. :)))

Then, out of the blue last night, when I was totally flopped out after the afternoon, I received a tweet from a lovely woman, who only started following me about eight weeks ago, asking if she had missed my blog, as she had not seen it on Twitter. That message, meant so much to me, as when i started writing my blog, I always said that if my message reaches one person, I was doing what I set out to do. So, @sashlennox take a bow :)

Add to that, the countless friends who message me just to see how things are, and the one or two I see regularly and I am one lucky blogger

On the chocolate front, things have slowed down a little but think people are waiting for December (or at least I hope so). I am on target for getting what I set out for in the first place for my estranged daughter and what will be her final presents from me. I wont lie, each batch of chocolates does tire me out and there may be the odd tear or two shed as I make them BUT it is for her I do this xx

On the health front, I have experienced one or two difficulties and setbacks but that is to be expected and like everything else, I chose to dance xx

Here we go again but not for long

One day you will wake up and I will not be there

No text good morning, no dancing through the day

There won't be a message saying goodnight

And no silly pictures to put a smile on your face

I only hope you find something to take from my time

And you have only fond memories of me

With no regrets, no if only's

Was not going to do a blog this week, as compared to other weeks, I have lost over 100 readers. Maybe I am boring  some people with my constant chocolate message, but I only have a short time to try and promote it and get chocolate orders for getting my daughter who I no longer see, a final Christmas present.

 http://hometohomecooking.wix.com/atasteofchocolates

Or maybe it was because it was Children In Need this last week, and people are all 'charitied' out? I know it can all be a bit too much at times but I am not a charity or asking for hand outs.

Could be the flu bug that has been doing the rounds? I know a few friends who have been hit by it really bad and it has knocked them off their feet for a few days. As I keep telling them, when that happens, take the time for yourselves to get better and don't feel guilty about it. 

However, I have had chats with a few people this last week or so and decided on the back of those conversations to continue with my blog, while I can. Some find them inspirational, others informative and it is for those people, I decided to write one in the first place.

The lines at the top are for all the people I know and have become friends with. It is these friendships that have helped me get through this far and I do sincerely hope that you are all left with a happy smile at the thought of me.

Health wise, there have certainly been some issues but I will deal with them, as I will all the other areas that come from having cancer and living on my own. I am made from strong stuff and although I have been emotional of late, I will fight and fight until they drag me away.

I went along to the BBC Good Food Show, despite probably needing to be laid up on the sofa, and managed to see the wonderful @AnjulaDevi who had queues for her stall, that others would have loved. Thankfully seeing her and the lovely Irish ladies for lunch next weekend. 

Some of you know that I am doing a chocolate tasting evening in Bradford on the 5th December with Homeless Beanies UK. Street Homelessness is something I have always felt passionately about and to top the day off, I get to have lunch and say goodbye to my Yorkshire posse :) http://www.everydayhero.co.uk/event/CheeseandWineDonations

Just to finish off with a massive thank you to some people who have gone out of their way to make sure I am okay. You know who you are and you know what you have done, so I will not embarrass anyone here by naming them xxx

Will I get to the finishing line

I have to admit, that as the making of the Christmas chocolates has started in earnest, I am now beset with the massive fear that I will either not reach my target through lack of sales, although orders have started really well, or that I become too poorly to fulfill my commitment, again no reason to think I wont. However, this is a real fear and it tugs deep in my heart if I cannot do what I want to do and give my daughter something to remember me by at Christmas.

Have no idea why these thoughts are at the front of my mind, as i am trying my best to be so positive every day but then again, why have I started crying at almost anything? I cried for almost half hour non stop watching the young girl being reunited with her father on the Festival of Remembrance. Partly because it was so beautiful to see and partly because I know that it will not happen for me. Obviously my mindset NEEDS to be positive and remain positive. I know health wise, I cannot cope with stress and need to dance with each day with a smile on my heart.

I have messages each day from people who say I inspire them, yet really, it is they who inspire me, for it shows me that this sometimes cruel world in which we live, has so many people who love and care, not just for me but for their families, their partners, their friends. As someone who has always been deprived of that, or hidden from it, it warms me to the core to witness it. So friends, please stand up and take a bow. Again, you know who you all are, so I will not embarrass you by naming you all individually x

It is now only a couple of weeks until I have lunch with some of my Irish and London friends who have been so supportive with the chocolates and with me, something I am so looking forward to, as I am meeting up to eight friends in Bradford before
http://www.everydayhero.co.uk/event/CheeseandWineDonations on the 5th December, which is my chance to help Homeless Beanies UK and Street Homelessness. If tickets sell well for this, I will have to make just short of 1200 chocolates for that night!!

Remember, if you want to order the Taste of Christmas Chocolates, all you need to do is follow the instructions here http://hometohomecooking.wix.com/atasteofchocolates

Thank you again for all of your continued love and support, it does make a massive difference. Now, RT this to a chocoholic for me :)

Okay, so it seems talking about it is taboo

I am going to dedicate the first part of this blog to positive news, that way, the few people who have made comment that talking about terminal illness can turn off. A bit like not wanting to see the scores from the football on the news before watching Match of the Day on a Saturday night.

First weekend of my Tastes of Christmas Chocolates sales has seen orders for 16 boxes, which have all been freshly made and will be going out tomorrow. Those of you who have followed my blog and know the reason I am doing the chocolates will appreciate how much this means to me. If I can get a similar number of orders each week, I will be able to get my daughter, who I no longer see, a final Christmas present(s) that she will remember. For those of you who are new to me and have not read any of the previous blogs, I plan to get her a portrait of the two of us (taken from two separate photo's) and a laptop that will get her through her A levels and College, so please, if you are considering getting some, email me what you would like hometohomecooking@hotmail.co.uk  (you will put a smile on a father's face)

Staying on a chocolate theme, I am part of an evening in Bradford on the 5th December to help raise attention to Street Homelessness and the role Homeless Beanies UK plays. http://www.everydayhero.co.uk/event/CheeseandWineDonations  It is a long way for me to travel by public transport but I will because it is something I am passionate about and I want to be there to explain how by buying Homeless Beanies UK, you are helping the street homeless help themselves (well, that will be the idea) .

I still want to work with the two other charities I have previously named but I cannot do that on a single order basis. Buy in bulk, it makes my life so much easier and then gives you incentive to sell them on or use for promotion.

Talking of charity, I just want to have a little moan about BBC Children in Need, which I have supported every year. I read a story that Panorama had been ordered by the BBC not to continue its investigations into reports that some of our money is actually paid in to Hedge Funds and that they then invest in things like tobacco fields (and I am a smoker). One of the BBC Directors stated that they have no control as to where this money is invested. WHAT??? I shall not be donating this year but will make a contribution directly to a Children's Charity.

Okay, those of you who don't want to read about cancer/terminal illness and emotions, this is the time for you to click off and go look at cute photo's of puppies and kittens (I would if I had the choice)

I think I made a big mistake in my last blog when I said that sometimes, when people check on me, I sometimes take their feelings into consideration before I answer as to how I am. This has resulted in numerous people not asking, which was never my intention, so sorry.

I made a promise to my best friend last week, which is only fair, that I will arrange to see the consultant with her, mainly because she fears she will miss crucial signs of my health deteriorating. As she is my next of kin and the person who will let you all know, when something does happen, I am happy to do this but I am not too sure how quick they will be, after me sacking them all earlier this year. I suppose signs like constant pain in left bicep and shoulder, will not just go away but at the same time, having it checked out will not make me better.

To finish off on the cancer front, I do find myself getting very emotional, for no apparent reason and this goes from floods of tears to an anger that I do not like, as it is not me at all. If, like me, you or a loved one is suffering with issues around this, please consult http://www.canceractive.com/index.aspx who are excellent or drop me an email.