Some of you who really know me, will know that over the last year, myself and more so my best friend, Angela Spencer, have raised around £6000 for various charities, mainly but not exclusively cancer related. I am also providing chocolates for 'One Voice' a charity for Domestic Violence Victims and Target Ovarian Cancer through Georgina May.
Again, those who know me, know that this will be my last Christmas and as such, I have decided that the proceeds from my For A Taste Of Christmas Chocolates this year will not go directly to charity but will help towards the costs of my alternative treatments and to getting one last decent present for my daughter.
I am looking at festive moulds and boxes or tins now, so should be raring to go next week.
I hope that no one begrudges me this decision but as my ability to work decreases on a weekly basis, I am fed up of living like some sort of tramp, dependent on the good will of others to be able to afford the costly treatments, although I love them dearly for doing it. xx
The advertisements for the Christmas Chocolates and yes they do really taste of Christmas and are a perfect present for family who live far from you will be out next week and in the meantime, if anyone wants the charity chocolates, just contact @EveThomas40 or @georgina_May
Monday 30 September 2013
Sunday 29 September 2013
Is that just the one, I could give you so many more
Thirty two years ago, to the very week (I remember it all too well), a teacher who I held as a bit of a 'father figure' (and boy, did I need a positive role model) made a statement about me, a life changing statement and something which has driven me for all of my adult life, and not always in a good way. He called me a 'Plodder'.
I was deeply upset by this comment, how could a man I admired and trusted call me that? At the time when I really needed support from adults around me (those that really know me, will know why), his words caused me to cut him completely out of my life, to the point of disliking him and throwing him in the pile with all the other adults who had badly let me down.
From that moment, I vowed, through snotty nose and tears streaming down my face, that I would prove him wrong and rise from adversity. I threw this determination in to becoming Captain of the school rugby team and delighting when we won our first ever trophy. I self educated to make sure I became an almost straight A student and despite putting myself in to the care system, I was hell bent on becoming the best person I ever could be.
This drive has defined my life, even to this day. I can be the best friend you have ever had and there is nothing I would not do for you. I strive to be the most attentive lover you could have in your life (form an orderly queue ladies). I am never satisfied at doing something well, if it is not perfect and I am my own worst critic, always finding something wrong in what I have achieved. As a Child Protection Officer, I could always have got in their sooner, despite being hauled in by the bosses more times than I can remember for being too 'gung-ho'. As a cook, I always say it would have been better if I had only added this or not used that. As a father, I could and should have given you one more cuddle or word of encouragement. And what's that ladies, you could have had another orgasm?
You see, in striving to be the best, you only set yourself up for disappointment when things do not go according to plan. Take my health for instance. You all know by now that I have terminal cancer. You also know that I am entering week 6 of not taking any medication and allowing myself a strong belief in positive thought and alternative therapies helping me through the final stages. However, because of my determination to see out my remaining months this way, I have suffered with a blinding headache all weekend and will not reach for a pain killer because that would be a failure in my eyes.
Then friendships. Yes, I can be the best friend ever and I would do absolutely anything for you but at the risk of suffocating you and being left feeling so low when it is not reciprocated the way I believe it should. "What do you mean, you were too busy to text me"
As a father, despite wanting to be the best one ever, I now sit in the hope that my daughter has some time in her schedule to message me (and I love the fact that after 6 months, she does regularly).
My old teacher, who I so wish I could contact, was right, at the time I was a 'Plodder' and I should have taken it as the compliment it was, as he saw me as someone, who despite all the horrific abuse and childhood, just got on with things. So, if you ever come across a bearded Irish languages teacher, who will be retired now and answers to the name of Jim (Paddy) Armstrong, give him my love and respect.
However, despite admitting this, I also have to thank him for his words making me the lover I am :)
I was deeply upset by this comment, how could a man I admired and trusted call me that? At the time when I really needed support from adults around me (those that really know me, will know why), his words caused me to cut him completely out of my life, to the point of disliking him and throwing him in the pile with all the other adults who had badly let me down.
From that moment, I vowed, through snotty nose and tears streaming down my face, that I would prove him wrong and rise from adversity. I threw this determination in to becoming Captain of the school rugby team and delighting when we won our first ever trophy. I self educated to make sure I became an almost straight A student and despite putting myself in to the care system, I was hell bent on becoming the best person I ever could be.
This drive has defined my life, even to this day. I can be the best friend you have ever had and there is nothing I would not do for you. I strive to be the most attentive lover you could have in your life (form an orderly queue ladies). I am never satisfied at doing something well, if it is not perfect and I am my own worst critic, always finding something wrong in what I have achieved. As a Child Protection Officer, I could always have got in their sooner, despite being hauled in by the bosses more times than I can remember for being too 'gung-ho'. As a cook, I always say it would have been better if I had only added this or not used that. As a father, I could and should have given you one more cuddle or word of encouragement. And what's that ladies, you could have had another orgasm?
You see, in striving to be the best, you only set yourself up for disappointment when things do not go according to plan. Take my health for instance. You all know by now that I have terminal cancer. You also know that I am entering week 6 of not taking any medication and allowing myself a strong belief in positive thought and alternative therapies helping me through the final stages. However, because of my determination to see out my remaining months this way, I have suffered with a blinding headache all weekend and will not reach for a pain killer because that would be a failure in my eyes.
Then friendships. Yes, I can be the best friend ever and I would do absolutely anything for you but at the risk of suffocating you and being left feeling so low when it is not reciprocated the way I believe it should. "What do you mean, you were too busy to text me"
As a father, despite wanting to be the best one ever, I now sit in the hope that my daughter has some time in her schedule to message me (and I love the fact that after 6 months, she does regularly).
My old teacher, who I so wish I could contact, was right, at the time I was a 'Plodder' and I should have taken it as the compliment it was, as he saw me as someone, who despite all the horrific abuse and childhood, just got on with things. So, if you ever come across a bearded Irish languages teacher, who will be retired now and answers to the name of Jim (Paddy) Armstrong, give him my love and respect.
However, despite admitting this, I also have to thank him for his words making me the lover I am :)
Friday 20 September 2013
Slushy Tourettes
Any of my friends that know me, know that I write poetry, or as my best friend calls it, 'Slushy Tourettes'. I write mainly for myself, rather than for a particular person and my friends description is lovingly fitting. I have written a book of poetry, that will be given to everyone at my funeral (suppose I had better sign it now) and have several hundred poems that did not make the book.
I was travelling yesterday, thinking about us coming to the first official day of Autumn, and this came in to my muddled head.
As the summer of my life fades gently into the distance
May I appreciate with grace the days my Autumn will bring
For like the trees that shed their leaves to make way for new life
Then my body I will depart
It has become very noticeable to myself this week, that my body is changing. I already knew about the weight loss, although as I was overweight to begin with, 3 1/2 stone is a big improvement. Going down from a 36 waist to a 31 has meant some new trousers/jeans and a smaller belt and have had to go to charity shops and get myself a few medium build tops. The final straw though is having to get new boxers because my older ones wont stay up (thought you might all like to know that).
The real pin in my balloon though was taking a look at my legs. For years, I was a rugby player at quite a decent level and when my body could take no more of being hit, I took up squash, playing two or three times a week. My legs were powerful, muscular and strong as a result and were always my favourite bit about me. However, after some treatments, I had a long soak in the bath and lay there and stare at two pieces of me that I could hardly recognise. The muscle definition has gone, although the are still reasonably strong from all the walking. I then looked at the rest of my body, something I very rarely do. My hips are now bony and my upper arms have lost any passing thought of the weights they used to lift. I still have muscle there but if I look long enough, I can convince myself that the skin is getting tighter and tighter.
However, I do not wish anyone to think that I am all doom and gloom, as that is certainly not me. I have so much to be thankful for and I tell each day so, as I dance with it. My daughter is back in my life, albeit still not at the stage of meeting up but hours chatting. My best friend has again surpassed herself and I have some wonderful friends and special people in my life. I have sorted out some good treatments (had a few already) and have now finished my fourth week without any medication.
I have people in contact with me everyday, saying how my musings have helped them make their own decisions (THEIR OWN, NOT MINE) and on twitter, I am a dancing tart, having numerous partners everyday.
Right, back to writing my slushy stuff :))
Friday 13 September 2013
Flies in the ointment but dancing continues
As the majority of you will know, well those of you who have followed my blog or know me well, I have terminal cancer and almost a month ago took the decision to come off mainstream medication and live the remainder of my life in clarity and enjoyment. I am convinced that by doing this and not giving in to the illness and the methods of managing it through the normal ways that I could add several months to my life and have some nice times and hopefully create good memories for others.
The medications that I was on and have now completely left my body were covered by a NHS exemption certificate, which basically meant that I did not have to pay a penny for them, something I paid full National Insurance for 25 years for, so never felt guilty about it despite the fact that I know at least two of the drugs are very expensive. Unfortunately, the only thing within the range of complimentary medicines is the enjoyment of going out for walks in the countryside to feed the ducks. Oh, wait a minute, that is not free either.
To give you some ideas of the costs of alternative therapies, Reiki ranges between £20-£40 per session. Aromatherapy between £30-£60. Massage £30-£60 (and no, that is not with 'extra's'). Add to that, vitamin supplements at £25 and fresh food that is not smothered in chemicals and you can soon see that alternative therapies do not come in cheap. Not that I begrudge the money needed for it but from the starting point of free medication, the cost this month has been high. Did I mention I don't drive anymore either, so I have the travel costs to factor in as well each week.
Added to this is the high cost of my life insurance policies which have to be maintained, and no, I did not take critical illness out at the time (well, have you?). Did the observant among you notice no entertainment costs factored in there? Do the dying need entertained?
However, if I want to carry on away from the drugs, I am going to have to find some way of affording this. I suppose I could give in, go back on the drugs and sit in a daze just waiting but that is not me and I will have to look at ways of raising the money, maybe pushing the catering, although I have been avoiding this as it does tire me out, as much as I enjoy it. (not the cooking but the travelling to and from a cooking job, did I mention I rely on buses and trains and the buses don't run in the evenings here).
The next fly that landed in my ointment was a medical one. I found myself with my liver becoming inflamed and I am convinced I can feel a growth (believe me, when you have it, you think it is everywhere). How can I, after sacking my medical team, then go and ask for treatment for the new symptoms? I can't!! So, yet more costs looking at alternative therapies that will help (good old milk thistle).
Despite my inane rambling, I have to say that I am not all doom and gloom. I am determined to dance with each day, smile at people with my heart and enjoy everything that I can. I know that one or two people have privately been in touch with me and told me that I have inspired them to come off medication for various complaints (although I do worry when people see me as an inspiration).
I have made some lovely friends over the last month or two, to add to the lovely friends I already had, which really does help me on a daily basis and I thank them for their friendship, their time and company, either in person, phone or social media which is priceless. On top of that, my estranged daughter has now spoken to me a couple of times this week, for a few hours at a time, which for someone who was so scared that we would never talk again, is seen as a miracle, believe me.
And to finish off on a cooking note, several people sent me lovely photographs of their home cooked food, which have brightened up my business page on face book and have made it on to my new website (work in progress) http://hometohomecooking.wix.com/homecookedfoods
The medications that I was on and have now completely left my body were covered by a NHS exemption certificate, which basically meant that I did not have to pay a penny for them, something I paid full National Insurance for 25 years for, so never felt guilty about it despite the fact that I know at least two of the drugs are very expensive. Unfortunately, the only thing within the range of complimentary medicines is the enjoyment of going out for walks in the countryside to feed the ducks. Oh, wait a minute, that is not free either.
To give you some ideas of the costs of alternative therapies, Reiki ranges between £20-£40 per session. Aromatherapy between £30-£60. Massage £30-£60 (and no, that is not with 'extra's'). Add to that, vitamin supplements at £25 and fresh food that is not smothered in chemicals and you can soon see that alternative therapies do not come in cheap. Not that I begrudge the money needed for it but from the starting point of free medication, the cost this month has been high. Did I mention I don't drive anymore either, so I have the travel costs to factor in as well each week.
Added to this is the high cost of my life insurance policies which have to be maintained, and no, I did not take critical illness out at the time (well, have you?). Did the observant among you notice no entertainment costs factored in there? Do the dying need entertained?
However, if I want to carry on away from the drugs, I am going to have to find some way of affording this. I suppose I could give in, go back on the drugs and sit in a daze just waiting but that is not me and I will have to look at ways of raising the money, maybe pushing the catering, although I have been avoiding this as it does tire me out, as much as I enjoy it. (not the cooking but the travelling to and from a cooking job, did I mention I rely on buses and trains and the buses don't run in the evenings here).
The next fly that landed in my ointment was a medical one. I found myself with my liver becoming inflamed and I am convinced I can feel a growth (believe me, when you have it, you think it is everywhere). How can I, after sacking my medical team, then go and ask for treatment for the new symptoms? I can't!! So, yet more costs looking at alternative therapies that will help (good old milk thistle).
Despite my inane rambling, I have to say that I am not all doom and gloom. I am determined to dance with each day, smile at people with my heart and enjoy everything that I can. I know that one or two people have privately been in touch with me and told me that I have inspired them to come off medication for various complaints (although I do worry when people see me as an inspiration).
I have made some lovely friends over the last month or two, to add to the lovely friends I already had, which really does help me on a daily basis and I thank them for their friendship, their time and company, either in person, phone or social media which is priceless. On top of that, my estranged daughter has now spoken to me a couple of times this week, for a few hours at a time, which for someone who was so scared that we would never talk again, is seen as a miracle, believe me.
And to finish off on a cooking note, several people sent me lovely photographs of their home cooked food, which have brightened up my business page on face book and have made it on to my new website (work in progress) http://hometohomecooking.wix.com/homecookedfoods
Sunday 8 September 2013
Seeing life through green eyes when mine are blue
It has been quite an eventful week for me, I am pleased to say, as now I am off my medication, I can see things far more clearly and appreciate their true meaning and worth.
Biggest moment for me has been a four hour conversation with my daughter, who many of you know, has been missing in my life since Easter. It is not a case of her running back into her father's open arms but it was dialogue and mostly of a friendly and loving nature. She also sent me a photograph which made me see how much she has grown up without me in the last 6 months. If she chooses to read this blog, all I can say to her is that I love you and I am sorry for any of my wrong doings.
In other news, I have recently received some lovely books from equally lovely friends. I never name names on my blogs (well occasionally) but they know who they are and I want to let them know how much I appreciate the books and their friendships. It is the little tokens of giving and taking that keep me going, although I do know that not everyone needs those tokens to know how much they mean to me.
Another dear friend, who I will definately not name lost her mother this week, after an illness. She knows that my heart is with her and that I will be there if and when she needs. It is all anyone can offer. xx
I have a couple of other friends who are going through major issues in their lives and by looking through their eyes, it helps me understand that we all have to face difficult decisions and scenarios and all we can hope to do is come through it and hope we have the support and friendships to help us carry on. Again, they know that my friendship and support and new found energy is theirs for the taking. xx
I spent a couple of lovely days away by the sea, even taking in a beautiful sunset into the water that has revitalised my inner energy and have the chance to go back for a couple of days :)
I made a really bad decision on Friday evening. After getting my hair cut and seeing the greyness of my hair as it flopped to the floor, I decided to do something about it. Now at 46, educated and pretty self confident, you would think I would know better. But a little voice inside me said, "you have spent the last three weeks making yourself feel better without the pain relief medication, now is the time for doing something to the outside of your body" I wish the little voice had been still floating around in opiates !! I opted for a 'light brown' the colour my hair used to be. I followed the instruction to the letter, even setting an alarm for the rinse off reminder. I stood in the shower and let it run clear. I towel dried it. I looked in the mirror and instead of seeing me as of ten years ago, what I saw was a 46 year old fool with what looked like a tin of shoe polish smeared over his hair!! There will be no photo's of this and I can only apologise to the friends I do see over the next 6 weeks, I will wear a hat if it helps :))
Biggest moment for me has been a four hour conversation with my daughter, who many of you know, has been missing in my life since Easter. It is not a case of her running back into her father's open arms but it was dialogue and mostly of a friendly and loving nature. She also sent me a photograph which made me see how much she has grown up without me in the last 6 months. If she chooses to read this blog, all I can say to her is that I love you and I am sorry for any of my wrong doings.
In other news, I have recently received some lovely books from equally lovely friends. I never name names on my blogs (well occasionally) but they know who they are and I want to let them know how much I appreciate the books and their friendships. It is the little tokens of giving and taking that keep me going, although I do know that not everyone needs those tokens to know how much they mean to me.
Another dear friend, who I will definately not name lost her mother this week, after an illness. She knows that my heart is with her and that I will be there if and when she needs. It is all anyone can offer. xx
I have a couple of other friends who are going through major issues in their lives and by looking through their eyes, it helps me understand that we all have to face difficult decisions and scenarios and all we can hope to do is come through it and hope we have the support and friendships to help us carry on. Again, they know that my friendship and support and new found energy is theirs for the taking. xx
I spent a couple of lovely days away by the sea, even taking in a beautiful sunset into the water that has revitalised my inner energy and have the chance to go back for a couple of days :)
I made a really bad decision on Friday evening. After getting my hair cut and seeing the greyness of my hair as it flopped to the floor, I decided to do something about it. Now at 46, educated and pretty self confident, you would think I would know better. But a little voice inside me said, "you have spent the last three weeks making yourself feel better without the pain relief medication, now is the time for doing something to the outside of your body" I wish the little voice had been still floating around in opiates !! I opted for a 'light brown' the colour my hair used to be. I followed the instruction to the letter, even setting an alarm for the rinse off reminder. I stood in the shower and let it run clear. I towel dried it. I looked in the mirror and instead of seeing me as of ten years ago, what I saw was a 46 year old fool with what looked like a tin of shoe polish smeared over his hair!! There will be no photo's of this and I can only apologise to the friends I do see over the next 6 weeks, I will wear a hat if it helps :))
Sunday 1 September 2013
Take me for a sandwich instead
Well, this is now me two weeks after giving up on any medication or interventions with regards my pancreatic cancer and I can honestly say, I have never felt more alive. Who knows whether it is the right long term choice but to live each day without a fogginess in my head, to see things how they clearly are and to be able to enjoy each moment is such a blessing.
The pain does not seem to be any worse and I am keeping a keen check on my potassium levels but as they are very much dependent upon mood and stress (as well as diet), they seem to be pretty stable. My overall mood is high and I am in love with the world and anyone that follows me on twitter knows that I dance with the day. Except Sunday. Sunday is an agreed gentle stroll, hand in hand, to enjoy what it has to offer, at a more sedate pace.
Having the murk of chemicals lift themselves off my mind has also let me see the mistakes I have made in the last six months and hopefully my new found energy from my regime of apple & cinnamon water, will give me the strength to put as much of this right as possible. I do not want anyone to feel let down by my mistakes and want to make sure that this next period is a happy and memorable one for those involved in my life, or indeed, those who have still to come in to it.
As I said last week, this is not a choice for everybody in a similar situation, it is something that each individual should have the right to decided though and I thank all of my friends and especially my best friend, for supporting me whole heartedly with my choice. I know, there is the fear that it will hit with a vengeance but I am hopeful with the new found health kick, the complimentary medicines and if I can find an appropriate Reiki instructor without having to travel more than a bus ride, that it can be kept in the background. It will never go away and one day it will take over but until then, I can dance and smile and be in love with the world as my twitter friends will testify.
I have built up a new circle of friends, as I had pushed all of my old ones away, apart from my best friend and I hope over the upcoming months to visit or meet up. I need to apologise to all of my new friends in advance, especially if we meet up and have a meal. I am the worlds worst person to eat out with. I find fault, no matter how minor (or indeed major) in practically every meal and I am not adverse to letting the owner, chef etc what the problem is. It comes down to my cooking of course and if I can see that someone has taken a short cut, used a microwave, bought cheap ingredients but try and pass them off as fresh/organic etc. I do not go out with the intention of doing so but I would never short change anyone with any of my dishes and would hope that I balance it out with praise when a meal is good and a little bit of pride has gone in to it. Probably safer to take me for a sandwich in the park !!
To finish off on some food input though, I have to say that I am continually impressed with my friend Liz from Wales. Her dishes are getting better each time and she is learning to throw away the cook books and cook from the heart, something I know her family love. A year ago, I would have tried to persuade her to work alongside me and create food to make people smile :)
The pain does not seem to be any worse and I am keeping a keen check on my potassium levels but as they are very much dependent upon mood and stress (as well as diet), they seem to be pretty stable. My overall mood is high and I am in love with the world and anyone that follows me on twitter knows that I dance with the day. Except Sunday. Sunday is an agreed gentle stroll, hand in hand, to enjoy what it has to offer, at a more sedate pace.
Having the murk of chemicals lift themselves off my mind has also let me see the mistakes I have made in the last six months and hopefully my new found energy from my regime of apple & cinnamon water, will give me the strength to put as much of this right as possible. I do not want anyone to feel let down by my mistakes and want to make sure that this next period is a happy and memorable one for those involved in my life, or indeed, those who have still to come in to it.
As I said last week, this is not a choice for everybody in a similar situation, it is something that each individual should have the right to decided though and I thank all of my friends and especially my best friend, for supporting me whole heartedly with my choice. I know, there is the fear that it will hit with a vengeance but I am hopeful with the new found health kick, the complimentary medicines and if I can find an appropriate Reiki instructor without having to travel more than a bus ride, that it can be kept in the background. It will never go away and one day it will take over but until then, I can dance and smile and be in love with the world as my twitter friends will testify.
I have built up a new circle of friends, as I had pushed all of my old ones away, apart from my best friend and I hope over the upcoming months to visit or meet up. I need to apologise to all of my new friends in advance, especially if we meet up and have a meal. I am the worlds worst person to eat out with. I find fault, no matter how minor (or indeed major) in practically every meal and I am not adverse to letting the owner, chef etc what the problem is. It comes down to my cooking of course and if I can see that someone has taken a short cut, used a microwave, bought cheap ingredients but try and pass them off as fresh/organic etc. I do not go out with the intention of doing so but I would never short change anyone with any of my dishes and would hope that I balance it out with praise when a meal is good and a little bit of pride has gone in to it. Probably safer to take me for a sandwich in the park !!
To finish off on some food input though, I have to say that I am continually impressed with my friend Liz from Wales. Her dishes are getting better each time and she is learning to throw away the cook books and cook from the heart, something I know her family love. A year ago, I would have tried to persuade her to work alongside me and create food to make people smile :)
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