Is that just the one, I could give you so many more

Thirty two years ago, to the very week (I remember it all too well), a teacher who I held as a bit of a 'father figure' (and boy, did I need a positive role model) made a statement about me, a life changing statement and something which has driven me for all of my adult life, and not always in a good way. He called me a 'Plodder'.

I was deeply upset by this comment, how could a man I admired and trusted call me that? At the time when I really needed support from adults around me (those that really know me, will know why), his words caused me to cut him completely out of my life, to the point of disliking him and throwing him in the pile with all the other adults who had badly let me down.

From that moment, I vowed, through snotty nose and tears streaming down my face, that I would prove him wrong and rise from adversity. I threw this determination in to becoming Captain of the school rugby team and delighting when we won our first ever trophy. I self educated to make sure I became an almost straight A student and despite putting myself in to the care system, I was hell bent on becoming the best person I ever could be.

This drive has defined my life, even to this day. I can be the best friend you have ever had and there is nothing I would not do for you. I strive to be the most attentive lover you could have in your life (form an orderly queue ladies). I am never satisfied at doing something well, if it is not perfect and I am my own worst critic, always finding something wrong in what I have achieved. As a Child Protection Officer, I could always have got in their sooner, despite being hauled in by the bosses more times than I can remember for being too 'gung-ho'. As a cook, I always say it would have been better if I had only added this or not used that. As a father, I could and should have given you one more cuddle or word of encouragement. And what's that ladies, you could have had another orgasm?

You see, in striving to be the best, you only set yourself up for disappointment when things do not go according to plan. Take my health for instance. You all know by now that I have terminal cancer. You also know that I am entering week 6 of not taking any medication and allowing myself a strong belief in positive thought and alternative therapies helping me through the final stages. However, because of my determination to see out my remaining months this way, I have suffered with a blinding headache all weekend and will not reach for a pain killer because that would be a failure in my eyes.

Then friendships. Yes, I can be the best friend ever and I would do absolutely anything for you but at the risk of suffocating you and being left feeling so low when it is not reciprocated the way I believe it should. "What do you mean, you were too busy to text me"

As a father, despite wanting to be the best one ever, I now sit in the hope that my daughter has some time in her schedule to message me (and I love the fact that after 6 months, she does regularly).

My old teacher, who I so wish I could contact, was right, at the time I was a 'Plodder' and I should have taken it as the compliment it was, as he saw me as someone, who despite all the horrific abuse and childhood, just got on with things. So, if you ever come across a bearded Irish languages teacher, who will be retired now and answers to the name of Jim (Paddy) Armstrong, give him my love and respect.

However, despite admitting this, I also have to thank him for his words making me the lover I am :)