After all the choice is personal

I have never written a post, read it and deleted it and started again. Well not until now that is. It was all in black and white at 02.00 and deleted five minutes later. Which believe me, is not my usual writing style. I do not procrastinate, I write from the heart and what you see is what you get, not a watered down edited version.

However, this blog is just a little different, not because it is a milder version of what I had originally wrote but because for the first time, I have had to think long and hard about the message it may give out to some. For those people in a similar position to myself, their carers, their loved ones and their friends, what I am about to write takes nothing from yourselves or indeed my loved ones, carers and friends.

It is not saying that my way, which I will come on to discuss, is right. It is however saying that I am making and have made some choices that I think will be best for me, although it may not be to the approval of those I choose to have around me. However, it is my life and I will choose how I wish to live the rest of it and you can either back me and help me in my choices or you can be made to look very self centred and selfish. Basically though, if you class yourself as a true friend of mine, then you will respect and support.

First and foremost I have made the decision not to continue meeting with my medical team. Apart from advising me on pain management, they were only really providing me with someone to meet for lunch, which was all very nice but I have made friends who can fulfill the social experiences. The two nurses involved are fully understanding of my decision and we now have an agreement that they will come back at my behest, some time in the future.

Apart from losing two people to socially interact with, it also means that I have made the choice to control my pain management, which is easy, there will be none. I have weaned myself off fentanyl patches which is a slow release opioid, along with diazepam, which has not been easy as it stays in your system for 72 hours but I have done this during an extremely busy period in my life, so my mind has been occupied. Anyone who has been on an opioid will tell you that apart from helping with the pain, it also clouds your mental function and half the time you struggle to make an informed decision or act upon a situation. Neither of which is a good place for me to be.

As I have said in previous posts, I have lost my daughter and my dog during that period and spent lots of time in social isolation, mainly because I could not function properly or argue my corner. That is changing.

I have replaced the medication with natural alternatives and a better living choice, which for me, so far has worked. Yes, I still have the pains but I also have a new mindset in dealing with it. I have been helped along the way by an organisation called Cancer Active, who have some brilliant advice on alternative therapies and have spent many a long hour answering my queries.

I have to also thank my best friend, who by arranging for me to move to where I am now, has given me the opportunity to stop being a victim and change my life and my mindset around. It has shown me that I had become too dependent on one person and one course of action and was almost happy in my self pity. By being isolated, it has made me search out new ways of thinking and some new friends, who I can share different things with, taking from them but also hopefully giving something back. That is a big thing for me, I need to give. Not talking in a monetary sense but in a small way, whether that be my experience, my company and yes, silly little things that friends do for each other. Only by doing that, can I feel like I am living a life and not just sit there everyday and mope about my prognosis.

I need to start each day with a message of smiling and dancing with the day, as I have learned to appreciate each day I have and look forward to my interactions throughout.

Of course, certain things don't change. My pancreas is still diseased and I have secondary tumours as well as having to keep complete control over my potassium levels by not getting myself stressed and worried and upset. My life insurance premiums remain as they are, extremely high, and my Will and codicils are written, witnessed and lodged and they will never change and I am happy with everything in them. The changes are made in the mind and in how I plan to live.

I hope everyone in my position, finds the strength to make their choices, it took me long enough.

Probably should have deleted this one as well.

Warning. This is a food blog and may upset someone

When I first started writing my blog, I announced that I would split them between the personal and the food related. Just looking back on my posts, I realise that I have to date, only written one piece on food. However, as my food is personal, as in creating it was my escape from the world of cancer and child protection work, I quickly forgave myself and I hope anyone bothering to read this will too.

I have been very fortunate, over the past few weeks, to have been receiving one to one tuition from some of the Countries top chefs. Sworn to secrecy as to who, but watch out for an announcement around November time. They quickly reminded me what it was that drew me to cooking in the first place, which was flavours. Looking at combinations to see what foods, herbs, and spices go together and they have now got me including wild berries and the likes to my dishes.

Here is an example, although you cannot see the base of wild mushroom and blood orange. Photography course for me next I think.

It is a citrus thyme mash, which was served with salmon cooked with wild berries and cooked over pine kernels and wild mushrooms. (Sorry for the lack of finished photo but was not supposed to be taking any :)

I have also been sent two lovely Persian dishes to try this weekend and again will put my own slant on it with flavours in mind and will hopefully be able to do the dishes justice although they would be so much better with a fresh fig, Ruth :)

Baking an oat and linseed bread at the moment and have introduced some fresh apricot all chopped finely in to it.

My final words in this post however, go to the lovely Liz from @smileypetz who has taken on the mantle of protoge and in my opinion surpassed me in the finished product, all she needs to do now is throw away those recipes and make dishes up from her own head, something she was able to do with a recent challenge I set her.
Paprika roasted sweet potato, with grilled leaks, beetroot jelly and Orange and Shrimp vinaigrette

Not bad from someone who three or four months ago, claimed she could not cook.

So there you go, a food blog, I can do it :)

My life in an instant

I am now entering my 9th week of living in a leafy village in rural Hertfordshire and I have to say, the area, plus having to walk everywhere (except for the odd irregular bus) has done my health the world of good. I have lost weight, enjoy the nature of the countryside and have even been adopted by a family of ducks, who recognise me approaching and all come off the river to greet me.

I have spent a few lovely hours in the company of two of my favourite people, the Kaplans and I have made new friends and been lucky enough to share some time with them in person or via good old twitter. I have been appointed a nursing team, who are very relaxed and will meet me anywhere for a coffee, so it feels far more social than clinical, although, to be honest, I am in the mind set of cancelling time with them as I have enough reminders.(monthly life insurance bills tend to do that trick)  I also have a couple of visits planned by some lovely people to look forward to :)

Started making chocolates for two charities, 'One Voice' who help with Domestic Violence and Target, who specialise in Ovarian Cancer. Both of which I hope go really well, for obvious reasons and I hope my twitter friends support by ordering some of these chocolates from One Voice @EveThomas40 and @GeorgianaMay. I have also been involved in something very exciting on the cooking front that will become apparent by the end of the year :)

Then, well then, nothing. I appear to have lost so much as well. Not being allowed my dog, who was with me daily for 6 years is hard. Originally thought she was going to be 8 miles away from me and that I would see her a few times a week but she is actually 87 miles from me with my daughter, who will still not even speak to me, never mind see me. I did get a series of angry texts 2 weeks ago but that is it. I cannot blame her and in fact never would.

On top of that, I have gone from regular daily contact and long conversations to lucky if I get a text or two from my best friend, who lives closest of all but has so much going on. Not that I am complaining, for without her, I would not be here but if I had realised the cost (not financially) I would have had second thoughts as her friendship and contact meant the most.

If anything, it has taught me to not become dependent upon anyone, not to become a burden and to make the most of what I do have. I wake up each day and smile at the world and the glorious things that nature has to offer me. It has also made me realise that when the time comes, I am not being shipped off to a hospice, I am more likely to get a single ticket to some nice remote location and enjoy.

Some people have said that some of  my blogs are hard reading, and I do not intend them that way. I  hope that they give people a little understanding of everyday life for me and that I appreciate it so much. So please ignore the negatives and if it interests you, enjoy the positives, for I am far more blessed than some :)

David xx

Why did no one tell me I needed a shave? Oh, yeah, I'm single

Found myself in an exceptionally cheery mood this morning on twitter. I was wishing one friend a Happy Anniversary and hoping they had a good meal out to celebrate and suggesting to another friend that her and her husband do something silly, like roll down a hill, hand in hand.

So, there I was, sitting in a pair of boxers and a t-shirt, waiting on the washing machine to finish, so I could have a shower without the water going hot and cold on me, being really happy at the thought of my friends preparing for their day of doing things together. I rubbed my chin and thought, bugger, I have not shaved since I went out for a nice lunch on Thursday and designer stubble had been replaced with whiskers!! On top of that, a friend called me 'jolly'. Jolly with whiskers-help!!

When i lived with a partner, yes, there was the odd day that I could get away with being a bit of a slob but usually, we would have something planned to do, so, shower and shave was first thing I did in the morning, rather than three coffees, a couple of cigarettes and an hour or two on twitter.

I then spoke to two female friends, who shall remain nameless, as I don't want them to think I am gossiping. Both are single and I think are happy with that. One told me her idea of relaxing was fluffy slippers and the other said, it's Sunday, comfy knickers day. (Are my friends more like Bridget Jones than I realised?).

So, while my married friends were off hill rolling or whatever couples do on a weekend, I was looking in a mirror and asking myself, "Do I suit a beard?"  Thankfully the ghost of partners past were sitting on my shoulder to remind me that whiskers, especially grey ones, put at least five years on you. As the razor made contact with the lathered cheeks, I thanked each and every one of them for everything they ever did, everything that we ever did as couples (well, the good bits)
Then, the kettle was back on, coffee made, cigarettes in my pocket and out into the sunshine with a newspaper.

Single life does have some benefits

Who are you

Can anyone honestly say with truthful conviction that they remember the last time they were actually their real self. That person, who looking deep within, you see, you hear, you feel?

For a whole life time now, it feels that I have been putting on an act and what people get now is the composite me that I feel they want. Of course we all do it, it is part of growing up and being shaped by our experiences. The more knowledge we gain, the more we redefine ourselves and as it is all part of nature, we cannot stop it from happening and nor should we. We are born as a blank canvas and we very quickly learn to adapt to what is around us, we cry we get fed.

The reason I ask is that my nurse/counsellor asked me what i wanted for my last six months or so. Not a bucket list, I personally don't believe in them due to the lack of disappointment they can bring when you realise that some of the things you want are beyond your reach and thus always will be.

What I am talking about is the ability to be at peace with yourself, to know exactly who you are. How that is to be achieved is still a work in progress and in all honesty, would I like the real me, if ever I was to find it?

My life is what has made me who I am now and from that amalgamation of experience, is what people draw from me in any friendship. Some will expect me in one way, some in a completely different picture. All I can hope is that 46 years of morphing on a day to day basis, will allow them to say at my funeral. "David, no I did not really know the real you"

So enjoy whatever it is that I can offer, you know I give myself gladly and make myself, or parts of me, available no matter what the situation.

We do exist, honest

Sat thinking for a while about which way I wanted to take this post. I had a few thing s in my head, cancer related but then we had the public unveiling of the four thugs who were responsible for the recent Twitter abuse http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2383808/The-women-hating-Twitter-trolls-unmasked-From-respected-military-man-public-schoolboy-men-anonymously-spew-vile-abuse-online.html

As I write this, my blood is boiling and my thought process can only be described as extremely sad, that yet again, men (and more often than not it is men), have found yet another way to exercise abuse over a female.
Coming from an abused background, physically and sexually for 14 years, it has taken me a long time of concerted effort to be everything my father wasn't. The vast amount of my friends are female and I go out of my way to try and be the perfect gentleman, firstly to reassure myself that the genetics has not rubbed off but also to try and show women, that there are good guys out there. Guys who appreciate as equals. Men who are hot blooded but tender, passionate and compassionate and appreciative. Maybe members of the male population who escaped Mars.

Then, sadly, we have had the case of little Daniel Pelka, the poor little mite who was starved and beaten to death by his mother and stepfather. First and foremost, the two of them are evil personified and thankfully they both received equal sentencing of a minimum of 30 years.

However, anyone who knows me, will know I spent over 20 years working in Child Protection and I have not heard one social worker, teacher, doctor come forward and say, we let this little boy down and suffer. This is not acceptable when there were so many warning signs. It is down to the failures of ALL of these services and it is too late to hold a review and promise to get better at it. This is a person's life we are talking about here!!

To finish off, back to my main blog subject, all I can say is that I am oh so very tired

David
xxx