My friends made me do this

Again, I was contemplating not writing this blog, as for the second week running, my readers have halved. I think the constant chocolate message along with the cancer message is boring people. God knows, I get bored with living with it every day.

Then a few things happened that made me realise how important it is for me to put something out every week, while I can.

I spent the most wonderful afternoon with four friends I had met on twitter and who have been so supportive. Two of them had travelled over from Ireland for a long weekend and made a point of blocking off a whole afternoon, just to spend some quality time with me. They were driven over by another beautiful friend and her husband, a journey of an hour and a half each way, and they could not have done anything more to make the afternoon such a lovely experience. My illness, in a sense, brought us together and will ultimately split us. However, the experience we shared will live on through the four of you and the shared tears were a sign of true affection. xx

I have the pleasure of doing the same with 6 or 7 friends up in Bradford next week, when I am up there doing a chocolate tasting and demo for Homeless Beanies UK, along with a very, very special guest. Someone suggested I should get T-Shirts printed for my 'Hello/Goodbye' tour. It is a good job I don't have the money to do so, as I would :)  There are also one or two more visits to friends being arranged. :)))

Then, out of the blue last night, when I was totally flopped out after the afternoon, I received a tweet from a lovely woman, who only started following me about eight weeks ago, asking if she had missed my blog, as she had not seen it on Twitter. That message, meant so much to me, as when i started writing my blog, I always said that if my message reaches one person, I was doing what I set out to do. So, @sashlennox take a bow :)

Add to that, the countless friends who message me just to see how things are, and the one or two I see regularly and I am one lucky blogger

On the chocolate front, things have slowed down a little but think people are waiting for December (or at least I hope so). I am on target for getting what I set out for in the first place for my estranged daughter and what will be her final presents from me. I wont lie, each batch of chocolates does tire me out and there may be the odd tear or two shed as I make them BUT it is for her I do this xx

On the health front, I have experienced one or two difficulties and setbacks but that is to be expected and like everything else, I chose to dance xx

Here we go again but not for long

One day you will wake up and I will not be there

No text good morning, no dancing through the day

There won't be a message saying goodnight

And no silly pictures to put a smile on your face

I only hope you find something to take from my time

And you have only fond memories of me

With no regrets, no if only's

Was not going to do a blog this week, as compared to other weeks, I have lost over 100 readers. Maybe I am boring  some people with my constant chocolate message, but I only have a short time to try and promote it and get chocolate orders for getting my daughter who I no longer see, a final Christmas present.

 http://hometohomecooking.wix.com/atasteofchocolates

Or maybe it was because it was Children In Need this last week, and people are all 'charitied' out? I know it can all be a bit too much at times but I am not a charity or asking for hand outs.

Could be the flu bug that has been doing the rounds? I know a few friends who have been hit by it really bad and it has knocked them off their feet for a few days. As I keep telling them, when that happens, take the time for yourselves to get better and don't feel guilty about it. 

However, I have had chats with a few people this last week or so and decided on the back of those conversations to continue with my blog, while I can. Some find them inspirational, others informative and it is for those people, I decided to write one in the first place.

The lines at the top are for all the people I know and have become friends with. It is these friendships that have helped me get through this far and I do sincerely hope that you are all left with a happy smile at the thought of me.

Health wise, there have certainly been some issues but I will deal with them, as I will all the other areas that come from having cancer and living on my own. I am made from strong stuff and although I have been emotional of late, I will fight and fight until they drag me away.

I went along to the BBC Good Food Show, despite probably needing to be laid up on the sofa, and managed to see the wonderful @AnjulaDevi who had queues for her stall, that others would have loved. Thankfully seeing her and the lovely Irish ladies for lunch next weekend. 

Some of you know that I am doing a chocolate tasting evening in Bradford on the 5th December with Homeless Beanies UK. Street Homelessness is something I have always felt passionately about and to top the day off, I get to have lunch and say goodbye to my Yorkshire posse :) http://www.everydayhero.co.uk/event/CheeseandWineDonations

Just to finish off with a massive thank you to some people who have gone out of their way to make sure I am okay. You know who you are and you know what you have done, so I will not embarrass anyone here by naming them xxx

Will I get to the finishing line

I have to admit, that as the making of the Christmas chocolates has started in earnest, I am now beset with the massive fear that I will either not reach my target through lack of sales, although orders have started really well, or that I become too poorly to fulfill my commitment, again no reason to think I wont. However, this is a real fear and it tugs deep in my heart if I cannot do what I want to do and give my daughter something to remember me by at Christmas.

Have no idea why these thoughts are at the front of my mind, as i am trying my best to be so positive every day but then again, why have I started crying at almost anything? I cried for almost half hour non stop watching the young girl being reunited with her father on the Festival of Remembrance. Partly because it was so beautiful to see and partly because I know that it will not happen for me. Obviously my mindset NEEDS to be positive and remain positive. I know health wise, I cannot cope with stress and need to dance with each day with a smile on my heart.

I have messages each day from people who say I inspire them, yet really, it is they who inspire me, for it shows me that this sometimes cruel world in which we live, has so many people who love and care, not just for me but for their families, their partners, their friends. As someone who has always been deprived of that, or hidden from it, it warms me to the core to witness it. So friends, please stand up and take a bow. Again, you know who you all are, so I will not embarrass you by naming you all individually x

It is now only a couple of weeks until I have lunch with some of my Irish and London friends who have been so supportive with the chocolates and with me, something I am so looking forward to, as I am meeting up to eight friends in Bradford before
http://www.everydayhero.co.uk/event/CheeseandWineDonations on the 5th December, which is my chance to help Homeless Beanies UK and Street Homelessness. If tickets sell well for this, I will have to make just short of 1200 chocolates for that night!!

Remember, if you want to order the Taste of Christmas Chocolates, all you need to do is follow the instructions here http://hometohomecooking.wix.com/atasteofchocolates

Thank you again for all of your continued love and support, it does make a massive difference. Now, RT this to a chocoholic for me :)

Okay, so it seems talking about it is taboo

I am going to dedicate the first part of this blog to positive news, that way, the few people who have made comment that talking about terminal illness can turn off. A bit like not wanting to see the scores from the football on the news before watching Match of the Day on a Saturday night.

First weekend of my Tastes of Christmas Chocolates sales has seen orders for 16 boxes, which have all been freshly made and will be going out tomorrow. Those of you who have followed my blog and know the reason I am doing the chocolates will appreciate how much this means to me. If I can get a similar number of orders each week, I will be able to get my daughter, who I no longer see, a final Christmas present(s) that she will remember. For those of you who are new to me and have not read any of the previous blogs, I plan to get her a portrait of the two of us (taken from two separate photo's) and a laptop that will get her through her A levels and College, so please, if you are considering getting some, email me what you would like hometohomecooking@hotmail.co.uk  (you will put a smile on a father's face)

Staying on a chocolate theme, I am part of an evening in Bradford on the 5th December to help raise attention to Street Homelessness and the role Homeless Beanies UK plays. http://www.everydayhero.co.uk/event/CheeseandWineDonations  It is a long way for me to travel by public transport but I will because it is something I am passionate about and I want to be there to explain how by buying Homeless Beanies UK, you are helping the street homeless help themselves (well, that will be the idea) .

I still want to work with the two other charities I have previously named but I cannot do that on a single order basis. Buy in bulk, it makes my life so much easier and then gives you incentive to sell them on or use for promotion.

Talking of charity, I just want to have a little moan about BBC Children in Need, which I have supported every year. I read a story that Panorama had been ordered by the BBC not to continue its investigations into reports that some of our money is actually paid in to Hedge Funds and that they then invest in things like tobacco fields (and I am a smoker). One of the BBC Directors stated that they have no control as to where this money is invested. WHAT??? I shall not be donating this year but will make a contribution directly to a Children's Charity.

Okay, those of you who don't want to read about cancer/terminal illness and emotions, this is the time for you to click off and go look at cute photo's of puppies and kittens (I would if I had the choice)

I think I made a big mistake in my last blog when I said that sometimes, when people check on me, I sometimes take their feelings into consideration before I answer as to how I am. This has resulted in numerous people not asking, which was never my intention, so sorry.

I made a promise to my best friend last week, which is only fair, that I will arrange to see the consultant with her, mainly because she fears she will miss crucial signs of my health deteriorating. As she is my next of kin and the person who will let you all know, when something does happen, I am happy to do this but I am not too sure how quick they will be, after me sacking them all earlier this year. I suppose signs like constant pain in left bicep and shoulder, will not just go away but at the same time, having it checked out will not make me better.

To finish off on the cancer front, I do find myself getting very emotional, for no apparent reason and this goes from floods of tears to an anger that I do not like, as it is not me at all. If, like me, you or a loved one is suffering with issues around this, please consult http://www.canceractive.com/index.aspx who are excellent or drop me an email.

Halloween Special Blog

Just for something a a little different, I want to share with you an experience from 8 years ago. It is a true account of what happened and has not been embelished or added to in any way.

The local Mental Health team who were in the office next to ours, set up an out of hours service for people in the community in crisis. They were looking for people to man the 'evening' office who would patch through to professionals who were out and about and could call in on the person in crisis.

I agreed to do the Thursday and Friday evenings, as I could do with the extra cash, and as such, was office based with a different person on each of the evenings.

Anyway, about 4 weeks in to this arrangement, I was on one of the phones to someone who was having a few problems, while my colleague was on the other phone talking to an old dear who was struggling with being out of hospital and back in her own home.

We arranged for the Social Worker who was out and about to call in on both of them, job done, no problems. Next evening, on with a different colleague and a different Social Worker. Similar thing happens, only this time, I am making coffee when my colleague gets a very tearful call from said old lady again. Very upset and wanted to see the nice Social Worker again. My colleague explained it was someone else on duty but that we would get them to drop by. Again, problem solved.

The office was closed on the Saturday and Sunday and on the Monday morning I went in to Child Protection as per usual. Just before 11, I got a call from the manager of the Mental Health Team to ask if I could spare 15 minutes. I went through and in to a meeting with the two colleagues I had worked with and the two Social Workers who were out in the community, plus their boss.

We were asked about the phone calls and visits to the afore mentioned old lady and we each gave our version of the events on the Thursday and Friday night. All of us gave our accounts and apart from the second Social Worker admitting they stayed a little longer because they felt she deserved a bit more company, they were all pretty much the same.

The senior Social Worker explained that she had received a phone call from the old lady's daughter that morning, asking why her staff were going in to her mother's house on the Thursday and Friday evening as her mother had died on the Wednesday !!!

True story.

Christmas Chocolate Orders

A

 Taste Of...

Handmade Chocolates for Christmas

Just in time for Christmas we are bringing out a new range of chocolates which include Cranberry, Mulled Wine, and the Nutmeg & Peel.

They are the perfect after dinner chocolate and are designed to melt in your mouth

At £8.75 per box inclusive of postage, you are buying a quality home made product made only from natural ingredients.

Customer Information
Contact Name
Business Name
Telephone Number
Address
Post Code	Town

Delivery Details if different
Contact Name
Business Name
Telephone Number	Date
Address
Post Code	Town

To order, please just fill in details and send in an email to hometohomecooking@hotmail.co.uk, stating how many boxes you require

Payment via Bank Transfer. Account number: 83388204  Sort Code: 20-71-03

Psst, Can you keep a secret

One of the biggest problems of living with terminal illness is knowing who to say what to. I am constantly battling with myself as to what to say, when people get in touch with me and ask how I am? They are just being good friends and their concern is appreciated, however it is also a burden on my ability to keep my own counsel. If I am having a bad day pain wise, just say, and I am asked by three people over the course of the day how I am, I have to think, who is asking me, how much can I tell them, how much can they actually take? After all, it is not as if they are just round the corner, or across the road, they are usually hundreds of miles away. Quite often, I am left with the default, "I'm fine" or "I'm okay" That way, they have fulfilled their friends bit by asking and I have protected them by giving a neutral answer.

Then I might get a text message or a call. What have you had to eat today David? Before I know it, I have thought about everything that might be going on with the person who is asking and I have had a five course banquet. I then spend the next 24 hours worrying that I have mislead, albeit because I have had to make an educated decision as to whether it is better to keep the secret that I may have just managed some fruit. And heaven forbid if someone asks me about feelings or emotions!!

Enough of that, you get the idea.

Update on my wish to get a portrait and laptop for my daughter for Christmas is that a lovely artist now has in his possession two recent photographs and a request to make me handsome!! Still looking at laptops but need to sell my Christmas chocolates first to be able to do so. Have gone for £5.75 a box plus £3 postage, which I know could buy you a big tin of Roses/Quality Street but you will not get these flavours or purity of chocolate. Remember, my chocolates have no added sugars or preservatives and are meant as a bit of a luxury. Also, buying a tin of Celebrations (and yes, I do like them) does not help me get my daughter her last ever Christmas present from me (sorry if that sounds emotional blackmail :( ...)

Exciting chocolate news in the form of doing a chocolate tasting along with Homeless Beanies UK on the 5th December in Bradford. For full details of the evening, of which I am only a small cog, you are best contacting @HomelessBeaniesUK , who now have their own exclusive chocolates.

I am organising two lunches as well at the moment, one with my lovely Irish and London based friends and then one with the Yorkshire crew. Both of these groups have been so supportive of me and this blog and it will be so nice to spend some actual time with them.

Want to finish this off with a massive thank you to the people I keep the secrets from. I could not manage each day without you. You know what you do for me but of course, I am sworn to secrecy :)