Without You I Would Be Lost And Have To Buy A Sat Nav

I met my Nurse Counsellor Lead for the first time this week to look at how we can best manage this next 6 months or so. It was a pleasant enough meeting, where boundaries and expectations were set, and of course the one real good thing is it cuts out the GP, who those of you who know me will know, I detested. They report straight back to the Consultant , which is good, as she is based over an hour away.

However, hours and hours later, I am in floods of tears and having a complete meltdown on twitter, something I try and avoid at all costs. A couple of conversations with people who were trying to help, actually only made things worse for me, and I could not cope with it all.

Out came good old You Tube and a string of quite cheesy but satisfying 80's tunes. I ended up like this

This was my default position as a child and will hopefully explain why I so admire and support http://m.evethomas.co.uk/-OneVoice-Never-Silenced.html 

It is the position that served me well then and returns like an old friend every now and again, when my body and mind cannot take any more. It is not something I seek, as those friends that know me will tell you. I prefer, to be open, honest and as informative as I possibly can be about having terminal cancer. However, every now and again, my little boy returns to me and without him, I would be lost without any hope of finding my way..

Having this meeting to plan your last 6 months and being told that you have pushed someone away and also you did the same with your daughter because of a need to control, certainly allowed my boy to return. In truth though, the person who said it was right, I do push away because I fear having anyone close and hurting them with no intent. Selfish of me, I know.

But when all seems lost, my little boy returns and shares those moments with me, until I feel ready to lift my head and face the reality.

Apologies for anyone who might read this and be offended, there is no intent to offend.

No apologies for slipping between 1st, 2nd and 3rd person as it was intended.

David xxx