Growing Arms & Legs

Very little seems to be written or available on the emotional frailty of terminal illness and maybe for a good reason. There is no book, or professional out there that could help.

I try my best to put on a brave face with regards my prognosis. I look for things in each day that warm my heart and I can then tell everyone how much I appreciate it, and I do. A bird singing, a child smiling, a couple walking hand in hand, a lovely piece of countryside. Such simple things that we do all take for granted.

However, no matter how hard I try, there are times in everyday when  the whole situation grabs me by the throat and scares the living daylights out of me. It is in those times that I believe that I am better off alone, almost wallowing in pity (which is something I never set out the day with).

How can I seriously make new friends when I know my time is limited and the last thing you want to do is burden anyone new with my darker moments. I find myself asking the question why on earth that person would want to develop a friendship with me, what benefits are there for them? And really, do I want to allow someone else in to eventually mourn me or to witness suffering?

Sounds very harsh I know, as the majority of people want to become friends because they like you but at times of despair, you do not see that and before you know it, you have built up another wall before their eyes.

Then, what about the friends you already have? Again, whilst in a positive mood, they are vital, they allow you to talk about the nice things, the things you appreciate and they share their good things with you.  However, when you are down, this is where things grow arms and legs and you start wondering whether the whole situation is too much for them. I have been known to stay awake all night, worrying about something that has been said, or not said or when something has not happened quite the way I have had it in my mind.

That puts so much strain on relationships, unfair on both parties and when I  am not down,  I know that there was nothing in it but my own fragile mind that has allowed the doubts to magnify.

I hope that anyone reading this will see how hard it is to make new friends or indeed keep the relationships you have, not because I do not want people there, as I could not survive without it, but because I do not want to share the burden at times as i am fearful of yet more loss.

David xxx