When I started my blog, my sole purpose was to be honest with what was happening with me with regards my illness, in the hope that by doing so, I might help just one other person.
I have spoken about my decision to come off medication and withdrawing from medical support. I have tried to look at the financial costs and implications of complimentary medication and supplements. I have explained the 'dark' feelings and an inability to have people close to me.
The one thing I never intended to do with my blog, was to upset anyone. Unfortunately, I have found out this week that in writing my blog with such honesty, I have been upsetting my estranged daughter. I did not even know she could or would read them, after all, she does not follow me on any social media forum.
For that reason, I am taking the following decisions. I have cancelled all health appointments, I don't want to be timetabled and I will know myself when things are changing and will shout out for those I need at that time, in the hope they will be there. I know this will bitterly disappoint some people but it is far easier and less stressful for me to not be put under the microscope, so I am sorry. I know One Day I Will Fly Away and I am not trying to hide from it but knowing the when will just cause too much hurt and depression, especially as I am now at the end of my initial prognosis. I know my life has been extended because my best friend took the decision to move me to Hertfordshire at a time when I could barely make a decision for myself and will love her forever for her intervention and her friendship.
My second big decision is to discontinue my blog from this point on. I am sorry again for those who have taken some comfort or level of understanding from it but the fact that my daughter is accessing it and it is causing her upset, is something that I, as a father can not deliberately do.
I want to thank each and every one of you who has ever read and retweeted my blog. I could not have communicated with so many people and received so much support. I will still happily talk with anyone about the issues of living with a terminal illness, but this will be done in private. Just drop me a DM or send me a text or an email and I will come back to you
David Lewis xxx
Wednesday, 19 February 2014
Tuesday, 4 February 2014
A guess is just that
Think it is only apt with today being World Cancer Awareness Day that I release this weeks blog. There are so many people out there who live with this disease now, have had to lose people to it in the past and are fearful of it for the future.
However, there is so much good research going on around the world that I hope this number becomes less and less, despite recent reports saying that more and more people will have cancer. One is a guess (the more bit) and guesses can be wrong.
Which brings me to me. We are now in February and in general, I am feeling pretty good. The pain level is still strong and I have to admit, I have allowed the doctor to prescribe a nerve inhibitor to see if that can bring an element of relief. Apart from that, the main thing is fatigue and I am having to force myself to rest and not feel to guilty about it. Must admit, six months ago, I did not think I would see February, now my sights are on spring (small goals). The good thing will be that people wont have to wrap up so much and even more so if I can swing it to summer. Again, the original prognosis is really a best guess, so sorry if I am not going fast enough for some people.
Last thing on this bit is when it does happen and you get the funeral details, can I please say, no flowers. In fact, if anyone wants to make a lasting contribution, then please make a donation/commitment to harrisonsfund.org I know it is not cancer related but it is a charity that I support and would like to think some of my friends will carry that on.
Away from the cancer still nothing from my daughter and I am coming to the conclusion that no matter what I or anyone else does, this is not going to change. Thank you to everyone who has supported me in my efforts in trying to get a relationship going again, it has been very much appreciated.
I have made a limited number of boxes of chocolates for Valentines Day and will take orders until the 9th February but I realise that not everyone celebrates this and I do believe it is far too commercial. That is not to say that I am not loving or romantic. Given the right circumstances and the right person :)
And an update on my ongoing battle with Interparcel and City Link. My MP and Trading Standards are taking the matter up. I am not expecting to win the battle but hope to cause a few injuries along the way.
I have also noticed this week that a lot of people who were always on twitter and up for a laugh and chat are missing. Where have you gone?? Come back xx
Sorry, not a long blog this time round, hope for something more interesting next week.
David xxx
However, there is so much good research going on around the world that I hope this number becomes less and less, despite recent reports saying that more and more people will have cancer. One is a guess (the more bit) and guesses can be wrong.
Which brings me to me. We are now in February and in general, I am feeling pretty good. The pain level is still strong and I have to admit, I have allowed the doctor to prescribe a nerve inhibitor to see if that can bring an element of relief. Apart from that, the main thing is fatigue and I am having to force myself to rest and not feel to guilty about it. Must admit, six months ago, I did not think I would see February, now my sights are on spring (small goals). The good thing will be that people wont have to wrap up so much and even more so if I can swing it to summer. Again, the original prognosis is really a best guess, so sorry if I am not going fast enough for some people.
Last thing on this bit is when it does happen and you get the funeral details, can I please say, no flowers. In fact, if anyone wants to make a lasting contribution, then please make a donation/commitment to harrisonsfund.org I know it is not cancer related but it is a charity that I support and would like to think some of my friends will carry that on.
Away from the cancer still nothing from my daughter and I am coming to the conclusion that no matter what I or anyone else does, this is not going to change. Thank you to everyone who has supported me in my efforts in trying to get a relationship going again, it has been very much appreciated.
I have made a limited number of boxes of chocolates for Valentines Day and will take orders until the 9th February but I realise that not everyone celebrates this and I do believe it is far too commercial. That is not to say that I am not loving or romantic. Given the right circumstances and the right person :)
And an update on my ongoing battle with Interparcel and City Link. My MP and Trading Standards are taking the matter up. I am not expecting to win the battle but hope to cause a few injuries along the way.
I have also noticed this week that a lot of people who were always on twitter and up for a laugh and chat are missing. Where have you gone?? Come back xx
Sorry, not a long blog this time round, hope for something more interesting next week.
David xxx
Tuesday, 28 January 2014
My Friends, I Could Not Do Without You
I have been asked by a few people over the last couple of days as to how I manage, being on my own most of the time, saying that they would be the other way and surround themselves with friends all the time. It was a hard decision to make, I must admit, probably even harder than it was to make the decision to come off the mind numbing medication.
However, until you have been in the situation where you see a certain look in a friends eyes, not pity, not fear, not panic but something in between all of these, can you honestly make that decision. What you need are people who come in and out of your life, while getting on with their own. People who can be there for you when you really need them but treat you no differently just because you are having a bad day or the pain is a little worse.
One of the things my best friend thinks she wants, is the knowledge of what signs to look for if my condition worsens but I know, that once she is fully armed with that information, she will spend any of the time we get together, looking for these signs rather than just enjoying the friendship, having a laugh and putting the world to rights. I also don't want to be on some timetable, ignorance is bliss after all. My supposed consultant obviously feels the same, as the next available appointment is 18th March or I could go on a daily cancellation list. Um, the hospital is in Middlesex and they expect me to answer a telephone call and make my way down there. Don't think so!!
On the health front, I agreed to go back on muscle relaxants but after a few weeks I have decided to discontinue them, as my mind was starting to cloud again, muscles that I did not want to relax decided they would and my sleep patterns were awful. On the positive side, if it is the muscle relaxants that make me like that, I might be able to try pain killers on their own, something I will discuss.
Away from health, as many of you know, I have decided to make some Taste of Love Valentine chocolates, mainly to compensate the costs of replacing the damaged items by City Link, who admitted they were at fault but have said they will not compensate !! If you are interested in some of these totally unique chocolates, I need orders in by the 9th February. You get 16 handmade chocolates that taste of love plus 2 melting chocolates, filled with essential oils that, well, TASTE of LOVE :)
I have still had no contact with my daughter, not through want of trying on my part, but did see a recent photo on a family members facebook page, so if it is okay with you all, I will leave you with that, as the hope of some sort of reconciliation is still one of the main things that keep me going.
However, until you have been in the situation where you see a certain look in a friends eyes, not pity, not fear, not panic but something in between all of these, can you honestly make that decision. What you need are people who come in and out of your life, while getting on with their own. People who can be there for you when you really need them but treat you no differently just because you are having a bad day or the pain is a little worse.
One of the things my best friend thinks she wants, is the knowledge of what signs to look for if my condition worsens but I know, that once she is fully armed with that information, she will spend any of the time we get together, looking for these signs rather than just enjoying the friendship, having a laugh and putting the world to rights. I also don't want to be on some timetable, ignorance is bliss after all. My supposed consultant obviously feels the same, as the next available appointment is 18th March or I could go on a daily cancellation list. Um, the hospital is in Middlesex and they expect me to answer a telephone call and make my way down there. Don't think so!!
On the health front, I agreed to go back on muscle relaxants but after a few weeks I have decided to discontinue them, as my mind was starting to cloud again, muscles that I did not want to relax decided they would and my sleep patterns were awful. On the positive side, if it is the muscle relaxants that make me like that, I might be able to try pain killers on their own, something I will discuss.
Away from health, as many of you know, I have decided to make some Taste of Love Valentine chocolates, mainly to compensate the costs of replacing the damaged items by City Link, who admitted they were at fault but have said they will not compensate !! If you are interested in some of these totally unique chocolates, I need orders in by the 9th February. You get 16 handmade chocolates that taste of love plus 2 melting chocolates, filled with essential oils that, well, TASTE of LOVE :)
I have still had no contact with my daughter, not through want of trying on my part, but did see a recent photo on a family members facebook page, so if it is okay with you all, I will leave you with that, as the hope of some sort of reconciliation is still one of the main things that keep me going.
Thursday, 23 January 2014
Another company that just does not care
As everyone who has bought my taste
of Christmas chocolates is aware, the
reason for me knocking myself out has been to buy my daughter a final Christmas
present and portrait, something she will be able to keep forever and something
to help her with her exams (a laptop). I
would like to thank you from the bottom a dying father’s heart.
However, this has been seriously blighted due to the Courier company City Link and the middleman, Interparcel. I sent a large shipment with them,
thinking they were one of the biggest names. Unfortunately, the goods were severly damaged in transit and I have had to use some of the monies raised to replace
the goods damaged by City Link. To top it off, after having the parcel of 21 boxes of chocolates for almost a month, they tried to send some (8) of the boxes back to me in a plastic bag!!
Some of you may be aware that the chocolates were due to be received by Homeless Beanies, part of Inn Churches in Bradford and supported by the Archbishop of York.
Now neither company is willing to accept responsibility for this despite explaining to City Link and Interparcel about my illness and forwarding on to them the reasons. It would seem that City Link should rename themselves Grinch and Scrooge and I hope that all you small business
out there that use them as your couriers of choice, will seriously reconsider
this, giving their appalling customer service, never mind the fact that they
damaged goods clearly labelled fragile.
I am sending this to the press as
well, as this companies, City Link and Interparcel, have ruined my last ever Christmas and would rather
be jobsworths than show a heart. Please remember this when you want to use a
courier in future and if you would like to email the company yourselves, as
people who have searched your own hearts in purchasing the chocolates in the
first place
I am so sorry that I have had to
write this and publish this but you have a very broken father who did nothing
but try his best.
David Lewis
Saturday, 18 January 2014
Sometimes it is good to go back
Some of you will have noticed that I have not put up a blog for the last two weeks. This has been a mixture of not really feeling up to it and the fact that I was not happy with the way my blogs came across on Wordpress, something that I changed when I linked it to the website. I have made the decision to go back to blogger, hope it is not too confusing for people but the idea in the first place was to get my blog out to as many people as possible and this, for me, is the best way of doing so.
It has been a very hard few days, firstly with the death of Roger Lloyd Pack (Trigger) of pancreatic cancer (something which was kept very quiet by his family). Here is one of the most recognisable actors of the last 20 years and I am sure everyone will have watched him in either Only Fools and Horses or Vicar of Dibley. It is a sad loss to the acting world and an even sadder one for his family.
Then we have the ongoing Coronation Street story, something that I have refused to watch, but on Monday we have the 'assisted suicide' culmination, a decision taken as Hayley does not want her loved ones to see the pain she would have been in if her character was to be shown living with the effects. I can truly understand that and know many people with terminal illness would choose to take this course of action. I have been there and I am sure I will revisit.
One of the main things I need to avoid is stress, as it will speed up my illness. try telling that to City Link and Interparcels, who between them managed to damage beyond repair, 21 boxes of chocolates that was going to Homeless Beanies. Neither company will accept that they are at fault, blaming each other, blaming Christmas, blaming ME !!! So much so, the senior manager at Interparcel freely admits that he has not done enough for his customer (me) and has no intention of doing so!!!! Apart from the financial implication to myself, as in I am having to replace all of these chocolates, the stress these two companies have caused is immense.
Add to that, yet another set of rejections from my daughter and you can quickly see that it has been a tough time.
However, there has many good things as well and this culminated today in finally meeting one of my best twitter friends and her husband. We had a lovely lunch out and the company was excellent. It is moments like this that make me realise just how much friends mean to me and that I could not have gone on for so long without their support.
It has been a very hard few days, firstly with the death of Roger Lloyd Pack (Trigger) of pancreatic cancer (something which was kept very quiet by his family). Here is one of the most recognisable actors of the last 20 years and I am sure everyone will have watched him in either Only Fools and Horses or Vicar of Dibley. It is a sad loss to the acting world and an even sadder one for his family.
Then we have the ongoing Coronation Street story, something that I have refused to watch, but on Monday we have the 'assisted suicide' culmination, a decision taken as Hayley does not want her loved ones to see the pain she would have been in if her character was to be shown living with the effects. I can truly understand that and know many people with terminal illness would choose to take this course of action. I have been there and I am sure I will revisit.
One of the main things I need to avoid is stress, as it will speed up my illness. try telling that to City Link and Interparcels, who between them managed to damage beyond repair, 21 boxes of chocolates that was going to Homeless Beanies. Neither company will accept that they are at fault, blaming each other, blaming Christmas, blaming ME !!! So much so, the senior manager at Interparcel freely admits that he has not done enough for his customer (me) and has no intention of doing so!!!! Apart from the financial implication to myself, as in I am having to replace all of these chocolates, the stress these two companies have caused is immense.
Add to that, yet another set of rejections from my daughter and you can quickly see that it has been a tough time.
However, there has many good things as well and this culminated today in finally meeting one of my best twitter friends and her husband. We had a lovely lunch out and the company was excellent. It is moments like this that make me realise just how much friends mean to me and that I could not have gone on for so long without their support.
Wednesday, 18 December 2013
A BIG THANK YOU
I need to give a big thank you to everyone who has either purchased or advertised and pushed my taste of Christmas Chocolates over the last six weeks.
I received a message from my daughter at 5.45 am to say enough, as she felt I was making her out to be a charity case.
Everyone knows that I have worked hard to produce and sell these chocolates and charity did not come in to it.
I will continue to make and sell chocolates while I can and the profits made from them will be put in to a savings account to give to my daughter on her 16th Birthday on 26th February.
Again, thank you everyone
David
xx
I received a message from my daughter at 5.45 am to say enough, as she felt I was making her out to be a charity case.
Everyone knows that I have worked hard to produce and sell these chocolates and charity did not come in to it.
I will continue to make and sell chocolates while I can and the profits made from them will be put in to a savings account to give to my daughter on her 16th Birthday on 26th February.
Again, thank you everyone
David
xx
Monday, 9 December 2013
Meeting with Angels along the way
A bit of a break from my normal blog this week, as I really want to spend the time talking about the launch of Homeless Beanies in Bradford last Thursday, which just so happened to coincide with my 'Hello/Goodbye' tour of lunches. (Wonder how that happened? :) )
From speaking with them in the development of their own unique chocolates, which I can now announce as vanilla and lime, and gob smackingly gorgeous, we decided to help with the launch, to have a Wine, Cheese and Chocolate evening, along with a smattering of art and health related stalls, all within a beautiful Bistro called Forsters in the City Centre.
I had arrived the day before, to help ensure that I was not trying to push too much in to one day, with the bus, taxi and two train journey it involved, and after a bit of a struggle and the fact it was getting dark, I gave in and got them to co come and find me. We went back to their office within the College, for a much needed coffee and to meet the team.
I was then hit with my first real surprise of the visit, a calender made up for Inn Churches, whose umbrella Homeless Beanies sits, was shown to me and the first page has a dedication from the heart, to ME. Me, I say. I have never ever felt so humbled by the thought and sentiment of something.
Spent the rest of the evening helping, Emma from Elaborate Designs, keep calm, as she was showing her art off the next day to the public for the first time.
Got up in the morning to howling winds and torrential rain and a message from Sarah Wearing to say she definitely could not make the lunch as her little one was poorly and of course, trains were cancelled. (Good job I was guided to travel the previous day).
I had a 9 am appointment with a women who puts together a CD for those dying, as a lasting message for my daughter, arranged by the lovely Juli from Homeless Beanies, so a taxi was phoned for and a brave driver, risked the journey to the college, past flying roof slates. I thought I was emotionally prepared for the experience of putting together the CD, with a selection of 6 songs, pertinent to myself and my daughter and me talking about nice things in between. However, after introducing the first song, I was on my fifth tissue of literally hundred I would need in those two hours.
On to lunch to try and compose myself. Met with Lacuna Raven and her hubby, Juli, Emma and Mad Hatter himself for what was a fun filled two and half hour lunch, with glorious food from Forsters Bistro and even better company.
Right, now for the main event. 70 guests and volunteers, all desperate to find out this unique flavour and to get stuck in to my taste of Christmas and the AnjulaDevi range as well. The crowd was split in to 2 and I completed my first set of tastings, with a member of the Forsters staff doing the wine and a chef doing the cheese. All went well and everyone loved the new ranges, with numerous enquiries to buy (in fact, the Homeless Beanies chocolates were in high demand).
Quick stock up of the trays and away we go with the second round. Had just finished the Christmas flavour when I get a tap on the shoulder from Juli, who is standing there with the Archbishop of York, who had insisted to come and meet me in person. Juli took over the next part of the tasting, while myself and the Archbishop spoke and then he asked if he could pray for me and with me, right there at the side of the tasting table!! I can honestly say that when he held on to me, I could feel the presence that comes with his Office, and yet again, I was truly humbled.
Prayer finished just in time for the tasting of the Homeless Beanies chocolates, the first of which went to the Archbishop. I can say that he loved them and actually came back for more a little later, along with the poses for photo's from the gathered press and the wonderful Ben from Homeless Beanies.
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There is so much more to say about the event but I will have to save that, along with my usual health update til next week. Just want to finish off with a massive thank you to all the Volunteers, Forsters Bistro, my friends, Andy who helped throughout the whole event, the Archbishop and most importantly Juli, who made it all happen, a true angel xx
From speaking with them in the development of their own unique chocolates, which I can now announce as vanilla and lime, and gob smackingly gorgeous, we decided to help with the launch, to have a Wine, Cheese and Chocolate evening, along with a smattering of art and health related stalls, all within a beautiful Bistro called Forsters in the City Centre.
I had arrived the day before, to help ensure that I was not trying to push too much in to one day, with the bus, taxi and two train journey it involved, and after a bit of a struggle and the fact it was getting dark, I gave in and got them to co come and find me. We went back to their office within the College, for a much needed coffee and to meet the team.
I was then hit with my first real surprise of the visit, a calender made up for Inn Churches, whose umbrella Homeless Beanies sits, was shown to me and the first page has a dedication from the heart, to ME. Me, I say. I have never ever felt so humbled by the thought and sentiment of something.
Spent the rest of the evening helping, Emma from Elaborate Designs, keep calm, as she was showing her art off the next day to the public for the first time.
Got up in the morning to howling winds and torrential rain and a message from Sarah Wearing to say she definitely could not make the lunch as her little one was poorly and of course, trains were cancelled. (Good job I was guided to travel the previous day).
I had a 9 am appointment with a women who puts together a CD for those dying, as a lasting message for my daughter, arranged by the lovely Juli from Homeless Beanies, so a taxi was phoned for and a brave driver, risked the journey to the college, past flying roof slates. I thought I was emotionally prepared for the experience of putting together the CD, with a selection of 6 songs, pertinent to myself and my daughter and me talking about nice things in between. However, after introducing the first song, I was on my fifth tissue of literally hundred I would need in those two hours.
On to lunch to try and compose myself. Met with Lacuna Raven and her hubby, Juli, Emma and Mad Hatter himself for what was a fun filled two and half hour lunch, with glorious food from Forsters Bistro and even better company.
Right, now for the main event. 70 guests and volunteers, all desperate to find out this unique flavour and to get stuck in to my taste of Christmas and the AnjulaDevi range as well. The crowd was split in to 2 and I completed my first set of tastings, with a member of the Forsters staff doing the wine and a chef doing the cheese. All went well and everyone loved the new ranges, with numerous enquiries to buy (in fact, the Homeless Beanies chocolates were in high demand).
Quick stock up of the trays and away we go with the second round. Had just finished the Christmas flavour when I get a tap on the shoulder from Juli, who is standing there with the Archbishop of York, who had insisted to come and meet me in person. Juli took over the next part of the tasting, while myself and the Archbishop spoke and then he asked if he could pray for me and with me, right there at the side of the tasting table!! I can honestly say that when he held on to me, I could feel the presence that comes with his Office, and yet again, I was truly humbled.
Prayer finished just in time for the tasting of the Homeless Beanies chocolates, the first of which went to the Archbishop. I can say that he loved them and actually came back for more a little later, along with the poses for photo's from the gathered press and the wonderful Ben from Homeless Beanies.
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Monday, 2 December 2013
Decisions have been taken
It seems like Monday is the new Sunday when it comes to my blog writing as for the last two Sundays I have been out on lovely lunches with equally lovely friends and as enjoyable an experience that it is, it does tire me out and I would not be able to give the blog 100%. However, I do not plan to stop having these nice lunches, as it is one of a few things that I really look forward to and i have a few more lined up.
Talking of looking forward, this Thursday sees the launch of the Homeless Beanies UK chocolate at http://www.everydayhero.co.uk/event/CheeseandWineDonations in Bradford. I am doing the tasting evening and will give a simple demonstration on how to make raw chocolates, with my flavours. (Could be doing myself out of business). I have agreed with Homeless Beanies UK to continue to make their chocolates (can't tell you the flavour yet), for as long as I can, because street homelessness is something I have always cared passionately about and this time last year I was auctioned by another homeless charity for £250, money well spent, if you ask me:) On Homeless Beanies UK, one of the things they do is buy single duvets and bedding and as I am sure you can appreciate, that is a big overall cost. If you fancy making a contribution direct to buy a duvet or bedding, please contact @homelessbeaniesuk
Did I mention there are seven of us meeting for lunch that day as well? :)
Moving swiftly on to my Christmas chocolates, I am so close to my target for the laptop and portrait, thanks to some lovely orders and a couple of individual contributions by people I would never mention but they know who they are. I have decided that after the Christmas chocolates that I will continue to make chocolates with different flavours, including the lovely @anjuladevi mix and will put the money in to an account that will go to my daughter for her 16th Birthday on the 26th February, whether I am here or not. My best friend @angelajspencer will oversee it, if I am not. Yet another task for her to do, sorry.
To help with the chocolates, I had, as a gesture of good will, a website made for me by www.facebook.com/OnlineMastery I thank Steve for the help and doing this for me.
On the health front, I tried to take some painkillers but they gave me a massive upset tummy, so I guess not. Seeing the doctor again soon, so will tell her that it is back to the alternative therapies and mind over matter. I have noticed that I am getting tired more quickly and more often but being tired does not mean sleeping more, as my fellow insomniacs will testify. To be totally honest, as I have always tried to be on here, there is a big fear in closing my eyes and my mind seems to fight it. I do sometimes sleep but not for long and always wake with a smile in my heart and a dance with the day in appreciation.
Talking of looking forward, this Thursday sees the launch of the Homeless Beanies UK chocolate at http://www.everydayhero.co.uk/event/CheeseandWineDonations in Bradford. I am doing the tasting evening and will give a simple demonstration on how to make raw chocolates, with my flavours. (Could be doing myself out of business). I have agreed with Homeless Beanies UK to continue to make their chocolates (can't tell you the flavour yet), for as long as I can, because street homelessness is something I have always cared passionately about and this time last year I was auctioned by another homeless charity for £250, money well spent, if you ask me:) On Homeless Beanies UK, one of the things they do is buy single duvets and bedding and as I am sure you can appreciate, that is a big overall cost. If you fancy making a contribution direct to buy a duvet or bedding, please contact @homelessbeaniesuk
Did I mention there are seven of us meeting for lunch that day as well? :)
Moving swiftly on to my Christmas chocolates, I am so close to my target for the laptop and portrait, thanks to some lovely orders and a couple of individual contributions by people I would never mention but they know who they are. I have decided that after the Christmas chocolates that I will continue to make chocolates with different flavours, including the lovely @anjuladevi mix and will put the money in to an account that will go to my daughter for her 16th Birthday on the 26th February, whether I am here or not. My best friend @angelajspencer will oversee it, if I am not. Yet another task for her to do, sorry.
To help with the chocolates, I had, as a gesture of good will, a website made for me by www.facebook.com/OnlineMastery I thank Steve for the help and doing this for me.
On the health front, I tried to take some painkillers but they gave me a massive upset tummy, so I guess not. Seeing the doctor again soon, so will tell her that it is back to the alternative therapies and mind over matter. I have noticed that I am getting tired more quickly and more often but being tired does not mean sleeping more, as my fellow insomniacs will testify. To be totally honest, as I have always tried to be on here, there is a big fear in closing my eyes and my mind seems to fight it. I do sometimes sleep but not for long and always wake with a smile in my heart and a dance with the day in appreciation.
Monday, 25 November 2013
My friends made me do this
Again, I was contemplating not writing this blog, as for the second week running, my readers have halved. I think the constant chocolate message along with the cancer message is boring people. God knows, I get bored with living with it every day.
Then a few things happened that made me realise how important it is for me to put something out every week, while I can.
I spent the most wonderful afternoon with four friends I had met on twitter and who have been so supportive. Two of them had travelled over from Ireland for a long weekend and made a point of blocking off a whole afternoon, just to spend some quality time with me. They were driven over by another beautiful friend and her husband, a journey of an hour and a half each way, and they could not have done anything more to make the afternoon such a lovely experience. My illness, in a sense, brought us together and will ultimately split us. However, the experience we shared will live on through the four of you and the shared tears were a sign of true affection. xx
I have the pleasure of doing the same with 6 or 7 friends up in Bradford next week, when I am up there doing a chocolate tasting and demo for Homeless Beanies UK, along with a very, very special guest. Someone suggested I should get T-Shirts printed for my 'Hello/Goodbye' tour. It is a good job I don't have the money to do so, as I would :) There are also one or two more visits to friends being arranged. :)))
Then, out of the blue last night, when I was totally flopped out after the afternoon, I received a tweet from a lovely woman, who only started following me about eight weeks ago, asking if she had missed my blog, as she had not seen it on Twitter. That message, meant so much to me, as when i started writing my blog, I always said that if my message reaches one person, I was doing what I set out to do. So, @sashlennox take a bow :)
Add to that, the countless friends who message me just to see how things are, and the one or two I see regularly and I am one lucky blogger
On the chocolate front, things have slowed down a little but think people are waiting for December (or at least I hope so). I am on target for getting what I set out for in the first place for my estranged daughter and what will be her final presents from me. I wont lie, each batch of chocolates does tire me out and there may be the odd tear or two shed as I make them BUT it is for her I do this xx
On the health front, I have experienced one or two difficulties and setbacks but that is to be expected and like everything else, I chose to dance xx
Then a few things happened that made me realise how important it is for me to put something out every week, while I can.
I spent the most wonderful afternoon with four friends I had met on twitter and who have been so supportive. Two of them had travelled over from Ireland for a long weekend and made a point of blocking off a whole afternoon, just to spend some quality time with me. They were driven over by another beautiful friend and her husband, a journey of an hour and a half each way, and they could not have done anything more to make the afternoon such a lovely experience. My illness, in a sense, brought us together and will ultimately split us. However, the experience we shared will live on through the four of you and the shared tears were a sign of true affection. xx
I have the pleasure of doing the same with 6 or 7 friends up in Bradford next week, when I am up there doing a chocolate tasting and demo for Homeless Beanies UK, along with a very, very special guest. Someone suggested I should get T-Shirts printed for my 'Hello/Goodbye' tour. It is a good job I don't have the money to do so, as I would :) There are also one or two more visits to friends being arranged. :)))
Then, out of the blue last night, when I was totally flopped out after the afternoon, I received a tweet from a lovely woman, who only started following me about eight weeks ago, asking if she had missed my blog, as she had not seen it on Twitter. That message, meant so much to me, as when i started writing my blog, I always said that if my message reaches one person, I was doing what I set out to do. So, @sashlennox take a bow :)
Add to that, the countless friends who message me just to see how things are, and the one or two I see regularly and I am one lucky blogger
On the chocolate front, things have slowed down a little but think people are waiting for December (or at least I hope so). I am on target for getting what I set out for in the first place for my estranged daughter and what will be her final presents from me. I wont lie, each batch of chocolates does tire me out and there may be the odd tear or two shed as I make them BUT it is for her I do this xx
On the health front, I have experienced one or two difficulties and setbacks but that is to be expected and like everything else, I chose to dance xx
Sunday, 17 November 2013
Here we go again but not for long
One day you will wake up and I will not be there
No text good morning, no dancing through the day
There won't be a message saying goodnight
And no silly pictures to put a smile on your face
I only hope you find something to take from my time
And you have only fond memories of me
With no regrets, no if only's
Was not going to do a blog this week, as compared to other weeks, I have lost over 100 readers. Maybe I am boring some people with my constant chocolate message, but I only have a short time to try and promote it and get chocolate orders for getting my daughter who I no longer see, a final Christmas present.
Or maybe it was because it was Children In Need this last week, and people are all 'charitied' out? I know it can all be a bit too much at times but I am not a charity or asking for hand outs.
Could be the flu bug that has been doing the rounds? I know a few friends who have been hit by it really bad and it has knocked them off their feet for a few days. As I keep telling them, when that happens, take the time for yourselves to get better and don't feel guilty about it.
However, I have had chats with a few people this last week or so and decided on the back of those conversations to continue with my blog, while I can. Some find them inspirational, others informative and it is for those people, I decided to write one in the first place.
The lines at the top are for all the people I know and have become friends with. It is these friendships that have helped me get through this far and I do sincerely hope that you are all left with a happy smile at the thought of me.
Health wise, there have certainly been some issues but I will deal with them, as I will all the other areas that come from having cancer and living on my own. I am made from strong stuff and although I have been emotional of late, I will fight and fight until they drag me away.
I went along to the BBC Good Food Show, despite probably needing to be laid up on the sofa, and managed to see the wonderful @AnjulaDevi who had queues for her stall, that others would have loved. Thankfully seeing her and the lovely Irish ladies for lunch next weekend.
Some of you know that I am doing a chocolate tasting evening in Bradford on the 5th December with Homeless Beanies UK. Street Homelessness is something I have always felt passionately about and to top the day off, I get to have lunch and say goodbye to my Yorkshire posse :) http://www.everydayhero.co.uk/event/CheeseandWineDonations
Just to finish off with a massive thank you to some people who have gone out of their way to make sure I am okay. You know who you are and you know what you have done, so I will not embarrass anyone here by naming them xxx
Sunday, 10 November 2013
Will I get to the finishing line
I have to admit, that as the making of the Christmas chocolates has started in earnest, I am now beset with the massive fear that I will either not reach my target through lack of sales, although orders have started really well, or that I become too poorly to fulfill my commitment, again no reason to think I wont. However, this is a real fear and it tugs deep in my heart if I cannot do what I want to do and give my daughter something to remember me by at Christmas.
Have no idea why these thoughts are at the front of my mind, as i am trying my best to be so positive every day but then again, why have I started crying at almost anything? I cried for almost half hour non stop watching the young girl being reunited with her father on the Festival of Remembrance. Partly because it was so beautiful to see and partly because I know that it will not happen for me. Obviously my mindset NEEDS to be positive and remain positive. I know health wise, I cannot cope with stress and need to dance with each day with a smile on my heart.
I have messages each day from people who say I inspire them, yet really, it is they who inspire me, for it shows me that this sometimes cruel world in which we live, has so many people who love and care, not just for me but for their families, their partners, their friends. As someone who has always been deprived of that, or hidden from it, it warms me to the core to witness it. So friends, please stand up and take a bow. Again, you know who you all are, so I will not embarrass you by naming you all individually x
It is now only a couple of weeks until I have lunch with some of my Irish and London friends who have been so supportive with the chocolates and with me, something I am so looking forward to, as I am meeting up to eight friends in Bradford before
http://www.everydayhero.co.uk/event/CheeseandWineDonations on the 5th December, which is my chance to help Homeless Beanies UK and Street Homelessness. If tickets sell well for this, I will have to make just short of 1200 chocolates for that night!!
Remember, if you want to order the Taste of Christmas Chocolates, all you need to do is follow the instructions here http://hometohomecooking.wix.com/atasteofchocolates
Thank you again for all of your continued love and support, it does make a massive difference. Now, RT this to a chocoholic for me :)
Have no idea why these thoughts are at the front of my mind, as i am trying my best to be so positive every day but then again, why have I started crying at almost anything? I cried for almost half hour non stop watching the young girl being reunited with her father on the Festival of Remembrance. Partly because it was so beautiful to see and partly because I know that it will not happen for me. Obviously my mindset NEEDS to be positive and remain positive. I know health wise, I cannot cope with stress and need to dance with each day with a smile on my heart.
I have messages each day from people who say I inspire them, yet really, it is they who inspire me, for it shows me that this sometimes cruel world in which we live, has so many people who love and care, not just for me but for their families, their partners, their friends. As someone who has always been deprived of that, or hidden from it, it warms me to the core to witness it. So friends, please stand up and take a bow. Again, you know who you all are, so I will not embarrass you by naming you all individually x
It is now only a couple of weeks until I have lunch with some of my Irish and London friends who have been so supportive with the chocolates and with me, something I am so looking forward to, as I am meeting up to eight friends in Bradford before
http://www.everydayhero.co.uk/event/CheeseandWineDonations on the 5th December, which is my chance to help Homeless Beanies UK and Street Homelessness. If tickets sell well for this, I will have to make just short of 1200 chocolates for that night!!
Remember, if you want to order the Taste of Christmas Chocolates, all you need to do is follow the instructions here http://hometohomecooking.wix.com/atasteofchocolates
Thank you again for all of your continued love and support, it does make a massive difference. Now, RT this to a chocoholic for me :)
Sunday, 3 November 2013
Okay, so it seems talking about it is taboo
I am going to dedicate the first part of this blog to positive news, that way, the few people who have made comment that talking about terminal illness can turn off. A bit like not wanting to see the scores from the football on the news before watching Match of the Day on a Saturday night.
First weekend of my Tastes of Christmas Chocolates sales has seen orders for 16 boxes, which have all been freshly made and will be going out tomorrow. Those of you who have followed my blog and know the reason I am doing the chocolates will appreciate how much this means to me. If I can get a similar number of orders each week, I will be able to get my daughter, who I no longer see, a final Christmas present(s) that she will remember. For those of you who are new to me and have not read any of the previous blogs, I plan to get her a portrait of the two of us (taken from two separate photo's) and a laptop that will get her through her A levels and College, so please, if you are considering getting some, email me what you would like hometohomecooking@hotmail.co.uk (you will put a smile on a father's face)
Staying on a chocolate theme, I am part of an evening in Bradford on the 5th December to help raise attention to Street Homelessness and the role Homeless Beanies UK plays. http://www.everydayhero.co.uk/event/CheeseandWineDonations It is a long way for me to travel by public transport but I will because it is something I am passionate about and I want to be there to explain how by buying Homeless Beanies UK, you are helping the street homeless help themselves (well, that will be the idea) .
I still want to work with the two other charities I have previously named but I cannot do that on a single order basis. Buy in bulk, it makes my life so much easier and then gives you incentive to sell them on or use for promotion.
Talking of charity, I just want to have a little moan about BBC Children in Need, which I have supported every year. I read a story that Panorama had been ordered by the BBC not to continue its investigations into reports that some of our money is actually paid in to Hedge Funds and that they then invest in things like tobacco fields (and I am a smoker). One of the BBC Directors stated that they have no control as to where this money is invested. WHAT??? I shall not be donating this year but will make a contribution directly to a Children's Charity.
Okay, those of you who don't want to read about cancer/terminal illness and emotions, this is the time for you to click off and go look at cute photo's of puppies and kittens (I would if I had the choice)
I think I made a big mistake in my last blog when I said that sometimes, when people check on me, I sometimes take their feelings into consideration before I answer as to how I am. This has resulted in numerous people not asking, which was never my intention, so sorry.
I made a promise to my best friend last week, which is only fair, that I will arrange to see the consultant with her, mainly because she fears she will miss crucial signs of my health deteriorating. As she is my next of kin and the person who will let you all know, when something does happen, I am happy to do this but I am not too sure how quick they will be, after me sacking them all earlier this year. I suppose signs like constant pain in left bicep and shoulder, will not just go away but at the same time, having it checked out will not make me better.
To finish off on the cancer front, I do find myself getting very emotional, for no apparent reason and this goes from floods of tears to an anger that I do not like, as it is not me at all. If, like me, you or a loved one is suffering with issues around this, please consult http://www.canceractive.com/index.aspx who are excellent or drop me an email.
First weekend of my Tastes of Christmas Chocolates sales has seen orders for 16 boxes, which have all been freshly made and will be going out tomorrow. Those of you who have followed my blog and know the reason I am doing the chocolates will appreciate how much this means to me. If I can get a similar number of orders each week, I will be able to get my daughter, who I no longer see, a final Christmas present(s) that she will remember. For those of you who are new to me and have not read any of the previous blogs, I plan to get her a portrait of the two of us (taken from two separate photo's) and a laptop that will get her through her A levels and College, so please, if you are considering getting some, email me what you would like hometohomecooking@hotmail.co.uk (you will put a smile on a father's face)
Staying on a chocolate theme, I am part of an evening in Bradford on the 5th December to help raise attention to Street Homelessness and the role Homeless Beanies UK plays. http://www.everydayhero.co.uk/event/CheeseandWineDonations It is a long way for me to travel by public transport but I will because it is something I am passionate about and I want to be there to explain how by buying Homeless Beanies UK, you are helping the street homeless help themselves (well, that will be the idea) .
I still want to work with the two other charities I have previously named but I cannot do that on a single order basis. Buy in bulk, it makes my life so much easier and then gives you incentive to sell them on or use for promotion.
Talking of charity, I just want to have a little moan about BBC Children in Need, which I have supported every year. I read a story that Panorama had been ordered by the BBC not to continue its investigations into reports that some of our money is actually paid in to Hedge Funds and that they then invest in things like tobacco fields (and I am a smoker). One of the BBC Directors stated that they have no control as to where this money is invested. WHAT??? I shall not be donating this year but will make a contribution directly to a Children's Charity.
Okay, those of you who don't want to read about cancer/terminal illness and emotions, this is the time for you to click off and go look at cute photo's of puppies and kittens (I would if I had the choice)
I think I made a big mistake in my last blog when I said that sometimes, when people check on me, I sometimes take their feelings into consideration before I answer as to how I am. This has resulted in numerous people not asking, which was never my intention, so sorry.
I made a promise to my best friend last week, which is only fair, that I will arrange to see the consultant with her, mainly because she fears she will miss crucial signs of my health deteriorating. As she is my next of kin and the person who will let you all know, when something does happen, I am happy to do this but I am not too sure how quick they will be, after me sacking them all earlier this year. I suppose signs like constant pain in left bicep and shoulder, will not just go away but at the same time, having it checked out will not make me better.
To finish off on the cancer front, I do find myself getting very emotional, for no apparent reason and this goes from floods of tears to an anger that I do not like, as it is not me at all. If, like me, you or a loved one is suffering with issues around this, please consult http://www.canceractive.com/index.aspx who are excellent or drop me an email.
Thursday, 31 October 2013
Halloween Special Blog
Just for something a a little different, I want to share with you an experience from 8 years ago. It is a true account of what happened and has not been embelished or added to in any way.
The local Mental Health team who were in the office next to ours, set up an out of hours service for people in the community in crisis. They were looking for people to man the 'evening' office who would patch through to professionals who were out and about and could call in on the person in crisis.
I agreed to do the Thursday and Friday evenings, as I could do with the extra cash, and as such, was office based with a different person on each of the evenings.
Anyway, about 4 weeks in to this arrangement, I was on one of the phones to someone who was having a few problems, while my colleague was on the other phone talking to an old dear who was struggling with being out of hospital and back in her own home.
We arranged for the Social Worker who was out and about to call in on both of them, job done, no problems. Next evening, on with a different colleague and a different Social Worker. Similar thing happens, only this time, I am making coffee when my colleague gets a very tearful call from said old lady again. Very upset and wanted to see the nice Social Worker again. My colleague explained it was someone else on duty but that we would get them to drop by. Again, problem solved.
The office was closed on the Saturday and Sunday and on the Monday morning I went in to Child Protection as per usual. Just before 11, I got a call from the manager of the Mental Health Team to ask if I could spare 15 minutes. I went through and in to a meeting with the two colleagues I had worked with and the two Social Workers who were out in the community, plus their boss.
We were asked about the phone calls and visits to the afore mentioned old lady and we each gave our version of the events on the Thursday and Friday night. All of us gave our accounts and apart from the second Social Worker admitting they stayed a little longer because they felt she deserved a bit more company, they were all pretty much the same.
The senior Social Worker explained that she had received a phone call from the old lady's daughter that morning, asking why her staff were going in to her mother's house on the Thursday and Friday evening as her mother had died on the Wednesday !!!
True story.
The local Mental Health team who were in the office next to ours, set up an out of hours service for people in the community in crisis. They were looking for people to man the 'evening' office who would patch through to professionals who were out and about and could call in on the person in crisis.
I agreed to do the Thursday and Friday evenings, as I could do with the extra cash, and as such, was office based with a different person on each of the evenings.
Anyway, about 4 weeks in to this arrangement, I was on one of the phones to someone who was having a few problems, while my colleague was on the other phone talking to an old dear who was struggling with being out of hospital and back in her own home.
We arranged for the Social Worker who was out and about to call in on both of them, job done, no problems. Next evening, on with a different colleague and a different Social Worker. Similar thing happens, only this time, I am making coffee when my colleague gets a very tearful call from said old lady again. Very upset and wanted to see the nice Social Worker again. My colleague explained it was someone else on duty but that we would get them to drop by. Again, problem solved.
The office was closed on the Saturday and Sunday and on the Monday morning I went in to Child Protection as per usual. Just before 11, I got a call from the manager of the Mental Health Team to ask if I could spare 15 minutes. I went through and in to a meeting with the two colleagues I had worked with and the two Social Workers who were out in the community, plus their boss.
We were asked about the phone calls and visits to the afore mentioned old lady and we each gave our version of the events on the Thursday and Friday night. All of us gave our accounts and apart from the second Social Worker admitting they stayed a little longer because they felt she deserved a bit more company, they were all pretty much the same.
The senior Social Worker explained that she had received a phone call from the old lady's daughter that morning, asking why her staff were going in to her mother's house on the Thursday and Friday evening as her mother had died on the Wednesday !!!
True story.
Wednesday, 30 October 2013
Christmas Chocolate Orders
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Taste Of...
Handmade Chocolates for Christmas
Just in time for Christmas we are
bringing out a new range of chocolates which include Cranberry, Mulled Wine,
and the Nutmeg & Peel.
They are the perfect
after dinner chocolate and are designed to melt in your mouth
At £8.75 per box inclusive
of postage, you are buying a quality home made product made only from natural
ingredients.
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To order, please just fill in details and send in an email
to hometohomecooking@hotmail.co.uk,
stating how many boxes you require
Payment via
Bank Transfer. Account number: 83388204 Sort
Code: 20-71-03
Sunday, 27 October 2013
Psst, Can you keep a secret
One of the biggest problems of living with terminal illness is knowing who to say what to. I am constantly battling with myself as to what to say, when people get in touch with me and ask how I am? They are just being good friends and their concern is appreciated, however it is also a burden on my ability to keep my own counsel. If I am having a bad day pain wise, just say, and I am asked by three people over the course of the day how I am, I have to think, who is asking me, how much can I tell them, how much can they actually take? After all, it is not as if they are just round the corner, or across the road, they are usually hundreds of miles away. Quite often, I am left with the default, "I'm fine" or "I'm okay" That way, they have fulfilled their friends bit by asking and I have protected them by giving a neutral answer.
Then I might get a text message or a call. What have you had to eat today David? Before I know it, I have thought about everything that might be going on with the person who is asking and I have had a five course banquet. I then spend the next 24 hours worrying that I have mislead, albeit because I have had to make an educated decision as to whether it is better to keep the secret that I may have just managed some fruit. And heaven forbid if someone asks me about feelings or emotions!!
Enough of that, you get the idea.
Update on my wish to get a portrait and laptop for my daughter for Christmas is that a lovely artist now has in his possession two recent photographs and a request to make me handsome!! Still looking at laptops but need to sell my Christmas chocolates first to be able to do so. Have gone for £5.75 a box plus £3 postage, which I know could buy you a big tin of Roses/Quality Street but you will not get these flavours or purity of chocolate. Remember, my chocolates have no added sugars or preservatives and are meant as a bit of a luxury. Also, buying a tin of Celebrations (and yes, I do like them) does not help me get my daughter her last ever Christmas present from me (sorry if that sounds emotional blackmail :( ...)
Exciting chocolate news in the form of doing a chocolate tasting along with Homeless Beanies UK on the 5th December in Bradford. For full details of the evening, of which I am only a small cog, you are best contacting @HomelessBeaniesUK , who now have their own exclusive chocolates.
I am organising two lunches as well at the moment, one with my lovely Irish and London based friends and then one with the Yorkshire crew. Both of these groups have been so supportive of me and this blog and it will be so nice to spend some actual time with them.
Want to finish this off with a massive thank you to the people I keep the secrets from. I could not manage each day without you. You know what you do for me but of course, I am sworn to secrecy :)
Then I might get a text message or a call. What have you had to eat today David? Before I know it, I have thought about everything that might be going on with the person who is asking and I have had a five course banquet. I then spend the next 24 hours worrying that I have mislead, albeit because I have had to make an educated decision as to whether it is better to keep the secret that I may have just managed some fruit. And heaven forbid if someone asks me about feelings or emotions!!
Enough of that, you get the idea.
Update on my wish to get a portrait and laptop for my daughter for Christmas is that a lovely artist now has in his possession two recent photographs and a request to make me handsome!! Still looking at laptops but need to sell my Christmas chocolates first to be able to do so. Have gone for £5.75 a box plus £3 postage, which I know could buy you a big tin of Roses/Quality Street but you will not get these flavours or purity of chocolate. Remember, my chocolates have no added sugars or preservatives and are meant as a bit of a luxury. Also, buying a tin of Celebrations (and yes, I do like them) does not help me get my daughter her last ever Christmas present from me (sorry if that sounds emotional blackmail :( ...)
Exciting chocolate news in the form of doing a chocolate tasting along with Homeless Beanies UK on the 5th December in Bradford. For full details of the evening, of which I am only a small cog, you are best contacting @HomelessBeaniesUK , who now have their own exclusive chocolates.
I am organising two lunches as well at the moment, one with my lovely Irish and London based friends and then one with the Yorkshire crew. Both of these groups have been so supportive of me and this blog and it will be so nice to spend some actual time with them.
Want to finish this off with a massive thank you to the people I keep the secrets from. I could not manage each day without you. You know what you do for me but of course, I am sworn to secrecy :)
Sunday, 20 October 2013
They Shoot Horses Don't They?
Those of us of a certain age, will remember this film, starring Jane Fonda, set at a Marathon Dance. For those of you too young to have seen it, may I be bold in suggesting you give it a go? The overall sentiment of it is of course very poignant to me and although I could not claim it to be in my top 100 films it does however deal with the whole subject of when life can become too much. And no, it does not mean I am at that stage, yet. I have always loved Cherry Blossom time of Spring and plan to see it again.
I have had occasion over this last week to feel very humbled by one or two peoples private offers of help, if I need it. Never let it be said that you cannot find true friendship on a Social Network site because I am living proof that it does happen. I will never name them, as they made the offers in private but they know who they are and what they offered. As I said, humbled and thankful for having them as friends. I have also arranged three lunches with friends I have met on line and plan to honour them, as it may be the only opportunity. I also have numerous friends who take it upon themselves to check I am okay and keeping a smile on my face.
I have also been asked by one or two people questions that I unfortunately do not have the answer to. All I can say is that when something does happen to me, measures have been put in place to ensure everyone knows, yet another task that befalls my best friend, bless her. One of the questions I am regularly asked is where do I think the cancer originated? Given that it emanates from the Pancreas, the biggest indicator is lifestyle. During my prime years, working late nights, drinking fizzy drinks full of aspartame and yes, smoking and drinking far too much coffee at ungodly hours. Add to that, the increase in processed foods and you can quickly see how I let my body become a battle ground. Do yourselves a favour, look at the chemicals you are putting in to your bodies, aspartame is very scary and if you are a man, lay off the Soy based milks and foods.
My final two tasters have been selected for the Christmas chocolates have been finally selected (had over 200 applicants) and they will receive their chocolates this week and depending on their reports back to me, the chocolates will be available to be purchased from the first week of November. They taste of Christmas and are made of only natural ingredients with no added sugars or preservatives. Yes, you could buy a tin of Roses for the same price and I will be as well, but these are special and as I have already said, the profits from which will go to me buying my daughter her last ever Christmas presents from me.
I have decided on two things for her. Firstly a laptop that will see her through 6th form and college, especially as the old one she had has recently blown up. The second thing is a portrait of me and her. I plan to ask an artist to put together something nice, based on a photograph of each of us. I hope she will like both equally and it is my motivation to keep going and do something positive with the skills I still possess.
As well as the Christmas Chocolates, I last night negotiated a range of chocolates for a particular organisation, who will be revealed in the next few days hopefully. I have made them their own chocolate, with their own unique flavour, chosen by them and I have to say, they are amazing and like nothing on the market today. Also looking at doing something quite exciting with them, while I still have some energy, before Christmas. And no, I am not playing Santa !!
Thank you to those of you that took part in my little experiment last week. I had reports back from quite a few people and they have independently told me of their experiences, which is very heart warming and further endorses my belief in healing xx
I have had occasion over this last week to feel very humbled by one or two peoples private offers of help, if I need it. Never let it be said that you cannot find true friendship on a Social Network site because I am living proof that it does happen. I will never name them, as they made the offers in private but they know who they are and what they offered. As I said, humbled and thankful for having them as friends. I have also arranged three lunches with friends I have met on line and plan to honour them, as it may be the only opportunity. I also have numerous friends who take it upon themselves to check I am okay and keeping a smile on my face.
I have also been asked by one or two people questions that I unfortunately do not have the answer to. All I can say is that when something does happen to me, measures have been put in place to ensure everyone knows, yet another task that befalls my best friend, bless her. One of the questions I am regularly asked is where do I think the cancer originated? Given that it emanates from the Pancreas, the biggest indicator is lifestyle. During my prime years, working late nights, drinking fizzy drinks full of aspartame and yes, smoking and drinking far too much coffee at ungodly hours. Add to that, the increase in processed foods and you can quickly see how I let my body become a battle ground. Do yourselves a favour, look at the chemicals you are putting in to your bodies, aspartame is very scary and if you are a man, lay off the Soy based milks and foods.
My final two tasters have been selected for the Christmas chocolates have been finally selected (had over 200 applicants) and they will receive their chocolates this week and depending on their reports back to me, the chocolates will be available to be purchased from the first week of November. They taste of Christmas and are made of only natural ingredients with no added sugars or preservatives. Yes, you could buy a tin of Roses for the same price and I will be as well, but these are special and as I have already said, the profits from which will go to me buying my daughter her last ever Christmas presents from me.
I have decided on two things for her. Firstly a laptop that will see her through 6th form and college, especially as the old one she had has recently blown up. The second thing is a portrait of me and her. I plan to ask an artist to put together something nice, based on a photograph of each of us. I hope she will like both equally and it is my motivation to keep going and do something positive with the skills I still possess.
As well as the Christmas Chocolates, I last night negotiated a range of chocolates for a particular organisation, who will be revealed in the next few days hopefully. I have made them their own chocolate, with their own unique flavour, chosen by them and I have to say, they are amazing and like nothing on the market today. Also looking at doing something quite exciting with them, while I still have some energy, before Christmas. And no, I am not playing Santa !!
Thank you to those of you that took part in my little experiment last week. I had reports back from quite a few people and they have independently told me of their experiences, which is very heart warming and further endorses my belief in healing xx
Sunday, 13 October 2013
It proves it is all working
Before i begin my usual update on how things are going, just want to say that the winner of my first blog competition was chosen at random this morning. Sarah Ash has now become an official taster for my Tastes of Christmas range of chocolates, which are available to order from bonfire night. I will be choosing another taster at random, next Sunday morning, all you have to do is read and RT this blog to be in with the chance (had 147 RT's last week) and would like to double that.
As I have said, this year, the profits from the chocolates are going to buying my daughter the last Christmas present I will be able to get her, so please, spread the word and yes, the chocolates are hand made, contain no preservatives or sugars and really do taste of Christmas.
I know you can buy a tin of Roses or Celebrations and I will be too but these are special, after dinner chocolates and did I say they TASTE of Christmas :)
And now for the boring update bit :)
This week has been a bit tough really as I have been suffering with a bit of an upset tummy and a few nose bleeds. It could be a bug but obviously in my condition, every ailment is viewed with massive suspicion. I do have my blood tests due (it is the only thing I am using my doctors for) so it should pick up whatever the problem is. The main problem for me though is the fact that to go shopping, I have to walk or if I can, catch a bus, neither of which are perfect with an upset tummy and feeling a little weak on my legs but still needed. it is amazing what we take for granted but even walking to the nearest shop takes planning and of course, i cannot carry much.
Despite that though, I have managed to get away this week for a bit of sea air, been to the cinema (with only one loo break) and for two treatments. I cannot just stop and give in to it all and refuse to stop dancing with each day.
I have also been asked why I moved to an area where I was so isolated. Simple truth, if I had not moved when I did, thank to my best friend, I would not have seen the summer. I needed the fresh air and the exercise that comes with the isolation. Now summer is well and truly behind us, I need to carry on that regime, no matter the weather, or I may as well give in now.
On a positive note, after a two week period of not speaking, my daughter got in touch again today to show me her preparations for her halloween party :)
Finally, I want to try an experiment this week. At 7.30 pm on Thursday, I want all of my friends and readers to put out their right hand, palm facing the floor, for 2 minutes. I then want you to let me know what you feel. Might sound daft but to me, it will prove that something is working.
As I have said, this year, the profits from the chocolates are going to buying my daughter the last Christmas present I will be able to get her, so please, spread the word and yes, the chocolates are hand made, contain no preservatives or sugars and really do taste of Christmas.
I know you can buy a tin of Roses or Celebrations and I will be too but these are special, after dinner chocolates and did I say they TASTE of Christmas :)
And now for the boring update bit :)
This week has been a bit tough really as I have been suffering with a bit of an upset tummy and a few nose bleeds. It could be a bug but obviously in my condition, every ailment is viewed with massive suspicion. I do have my blood tests due (it is the only thing I am using my doctors for) so it should pick up whatever the problem is. The main problem for me though is the fact that to go shopping, I have to walk or if I can, catch a bus, neither of which are perfect with an upset tummy and feeling a little weak on my legs but still needed. it is amazing what we take for granted but even walking to the nearest shop takes planning and of course, i cannot carry much.
Despite that though, I have managed to get away this week for a bit of sea air, been to the cinema (with only one loo break) and for two treatments. I cannot just stop and give in to it all and refuse to stop dancing with each day.
I have also been asked why I moved to an area where I was so isolated. Simple truth, if I had not moved when I did, thank to my best friend, I would not have seen the summer. I needed the fresh air and the exercise that comes with the isolation. Now summer is well and truly behind us, I need to carry on that regime, no matter the weather, or I may as well give in now.
On a positive note, after a two week period of not speaking, my daughter got in touch again today to show me her preparations for her halloween party :)
Finally, I want to try an experiment this week. At 7.30 pm on Thursday, I want all of my friends and readers to put out their right hand, palm facing the floor, for 2 minutes. I then want you to let me know what you feel. Might sound daft but to me, it will prove that something is working.
Sunday, 6 October 2013
If this is the beginning of the end, where do I get off
So many things have happened over this last week, both good and bad, that I am almost struggling to know where to begin.
I suppose the easiest beginning is with a thank you to all of you you who take the time to read, pass on and indeed message me about my blog. It is extremely humbling to have people contact me and say it provoked something in them, or that they could relate to it. I have spent too many years hiding from myself and others, through fear of hurting them or being hurt myself, so it is nice to get my ramblings out there and share my identity.
I have now reached week 7 of no medication, a choice that I made as what I felt was best for me and one that will allow me to die with a little dignity when the time arrives. I know that for some people, it would never be the right choice and I totally respect their decision to continue with medication. They will hopefully, if terminal, be surrounded by the people they love and who love them, either in their own home or hospice and it will happen peacefully. Mine will be different and again, it is my choice to make and make it I will.
The alternative therapies are going nicely, with reflexology, aromatherapy, Reiki and magnets all being used to their full effect. I did not go back to pilates, not because I did not like it but I can not bring myself to do it in a group situation. Hopefully, I may find one to one sessions. Even with the alternative therapies, I have had some issues this week that made me want to go back on my decision, but only for five minutes. If I get a headache or any other pain or ailment, the moment I reach for a codeine or paracetamol, my body will immediately crave something stronger, which is something I am not willing to do.
Physical pain is almost manageable, just, but the stress a family, particularly a very uncaring and disjointed one can bring upon you, is far worse, as it rips in to open wounds like salt. I unfortunately experienced that again in this last week with my younger brother and mother trying to interfere. I wish I could say it was out of love but know full well it is about my will and future plans for my daughter. The prodigal son, otherwise known as 'Golden Child' has not bothered for 5 years, so why now???
Enough of the whinging, I hear you cry, and I agree. There are far too many positives that I can take from each day, to allow myself to be dragged down to the depths they want me at.
Like, made the first taster batch of Christmas chocolates. They will be sent to my chosen tasters on Monday for approval and all being well, will be available for purchase around the first week of November onwards.
Like, being able to spend quality time with people that I want in my life, although not unfortunately all of them but not through lack of want on either part, just time and life can get in the way.
Like having so many caring friends on here, who help far more than they probably realise.
Like, getting others to dance with their day and appreciate it only ever comes round once.
I apologise for the family vent of hurt and frustration and promise to keep it off my blog from this point on. Hope it does not deflect too much from anything else I have said here and that you will not all abandon the blog. I appreciate and value your participation.
David xxx
I suppose the easiest beginning is with a thank you to all of you you who take the time to read, pass on and indeed message me about my blog. It is extremely humbling to have people contact me and say it provoked something in them, or that they could relate to it. I have spent too many years hiding from myself and others, through fear of hurting them or being hurt myself, so it is nice to get my ramblings out there and share my identity.
I have now reached week 7 of no medication, a choice that I made as what I felt was best for me and one that will allow me to die with a little dignity when the time arrives. I know that for some people, it would never be the right choice and I totally respect their decision to continue with medication. They will hopefully, if terminal, be surrounded by the people they love and who love them, either in their own home or hospice and it will happen peacefully. Mine will be different and again, it is my choice to make and make it I will.
The alternative therapies are going nicely, with reflexology, aromatherapy, Reiki and magnets all being used to their full effect. I did not go back to pilates, not because I did not like it but I can not bring myself to do it in a group situation. Hopefully, I may find one to one sessions. Even with the alternative therapies, I have had some issues this week that made me want to go back on my decision, but only for five minutes. If I get a headache or any other pain or ailment, the moment I reach for a codeine or paracetamol, my body will immediately crave something stronger, which is something I am not willing to do.
Physical pain is almost manageable, just, but the stress a family, particularly a very uncaring and disjointed one can bring upon you, is far worse, as it rips in to open wounds like salt. I unfortunately experienced that again in this last week with my younger brother and mother trying to interfere. I wish I could say it was out of love but know full well it is about my will and future plans for my daughter. The prodigal son, otherwise known as 'Golden Child' has not bothered for 5 years, so why now???
Enough of the whinging, I hear you cry, and I agree. There are far too many positives that I can take from each day, to allow myself to be dragged down to the depths they want me at.
Like, made the first taster batch of Christmas chocolates. They will be sent to my chosen tasters on Monday for approval and all being well, will be available for purchase around the first week of November onwards.
Like, being able to spend quality time with people that I want in my life, although not unfortunately all of them but not through lack of want on either part, just time and life can get in the way.
Like having so many caring friends on here, who help far more than they probably realise.
Like, getting others to dance with their day and appreciate it only ever comes round once.
I apologise for the family vent of hurt and frustration and promise to keep it off my blog from this point on. Hope it does not deflect too much from anything else I have said here and that you will not all abandon the blog. I appreciate and value your participation.
David xxx
Monday, 30 September 2013
Blog Extra Bit
Some of you who really know me, will know that over the last year, myself and more so my best friend, Angela Spencer, have raised around £6000 for various charities, mainly but not exclusively cancer related. I am also providing chocolates for 'One Voice' a charity for Domestic Violence Victims and Target Ovarian Cancer through Georgina May.
Again, those who know me, know that this will be my last Christmas and as such, I have decided that the proceeds from my For A Taste Of Christmas Chocolates this year will not go directly to charity but will help towards the costs of my alternative treatments and to getting one last decent present for my daughter.
I am looking at festive moulds and boxes or tins now, so should be raring to go next week.
I hope that no one begrudges me this decision but as my ability to work decreases on a weekly basis, I am fed up of living like some sort of tramp, dependent on the good will of others to be able to afford the costly treatments, although I love them dearly for doing it. xx
The advertisements for the Christmas Chocolates and yes they do really taste of Christmas and are a perfect present for family who live far from you will be out next week and in the meantime, if anyone wants the charity chocolates, just contact @EveThomas40 or @georgina_May
Again, those who know me, know that this will be my last Christmas and as such, I have decided that the proceeds from my For A Taste Of Christmas Chocolates this year will not go directly to charity but will help towards the costs of my alternative treatments and to getting one last decent present for my daughter.
I am looking at festive moulds and boxes or tins now, so should be raring to go next week.
I hope that no one begrudges me this decision but as my ability to work decreases on a weekly basis, I am fed up of living like some sort of tramp, dependent on the good will of others to be able to afford the costly treatments, although I love them dearly for doing it. xx
The advertisements for the Christmas Chocolates and yes they do really taste of Christmas and are a perfect present for family who live far from you will be out next week and in the meantime, if anyone wants the charity chocolates, just contact @EveThomas40 or @georgina_May
Sunday, 29 September 2013
Is that just the one, I could give you so many more
Thirty two years ago, to the very week (I remember it all too well), a teacher who I held as a bit of a 'father figure' (and boy, did I need a positive role model) made a statement about me, a life changing statement and something which has driven me for all of my adult life, and not always in a good way. He called me a 'Plodder'.
I was deeply upset by this comment, how could a man I admired and trusted call me that? At the time when I really needed support from adults around me (those that really know me, will know why), his words caused me to cut him completely out of my life, to the point of disliking him and throwing him in the pile with all the other adults who had badly let me down.
From that moment, I vowed, through snotty nose and tears streaming down my face, that I would prove him wrong and rise from adversity. I threw this determination in to becoming Captain of the school rugby team and delighting when we won our first ever trophy. I self educated to make sure I became an almost straight A student and despite putting myself in to the care system, I was hell bent on becoming the best person I ever could be.
This drive has defined my life, even to this day. I can be the best friend you have ever had and there is nothing I would not do for you. I strive to be the most attentive lover you could have in your life (form an orderly queue ladies). I am never satisfied at doing something well, if it is not perfect and I am my own worst critic, always finding something wrong in what I have achieved. As a Child Protection Officer, I could always have got in their sooner, despite being hauled in by the bosses more times than I can remember for being too 'gung-ho'. As a cook, I always say it would have been better if I had only added this or not used that. As a father, I could and should have given you one more cuddle or word of encouragement. And what's that ladies, you could have had another orgasm?
You see, in striving to be the best, you only set yourself up for disappointment when things do not go according to plan. Take my health for instance. You all know by now that I have terminal cancer. You also know that I am entering week 6 of not taking any medication and allowing myself a strong belief in positive thought and alternative therapies helping me through the final stages. However, because of my determination to see out my remaining months this way, I have suffered with a blinding headache all weekend and will not reach for a pain killer because that would be a failure in my eyes.
Then friendships. Yes, I can be the best friend ever and I would do absolutely anything for you but at the risk of suffocating you and being left feeling so low when it is not reciprocated the way I believe it should. "What do you mean, you were too busy to text me"
As a father, despite wanting to be the best one ever, I now sit in the hope that my daughter has some time in her schedule to message me (and I love the fact that after 6 months, she does regularly).
My old teacher, who I so wish I could contact, was right, at the time I was a 'Plodder' and I should have taken it as the compliment it was, as he saw me as someone, who despite all the horrific abuse and childhood, just got on with things. So, if you ever come across a bearded Irish languages teacher, who will be retired now and answers to the name of Jim (Paddy) Armstrong, give him my love and respect.
However, despite admitting this, I also have to thank him for his words making me the lover I am :)
I was deeply upset by this comment, how could a man I admired and trusted call me that? At the time when I really needed support from adults around me (those that really know me, will know why), his words caused me to cut him completely out of my life, to the point of disliking him and throwing him in the pile with all the other adults who had badly let me down.
From that moment, I vowed, through snotty nose and tears streaming down my face, that I would prove him wrong and rise from adversity. I threw this determination in to becoming Captain of the school rugby team and delighting when we won our first ever trophy. I self educated to make sure I became an almost straight A student and despite putting myself in to the care system, I was hell bent on becoming the best person I ever could be.
This drive has defined my life, even to this day. I can be the best friend you have ever had and there is nothing I would not do for you. I strive to be the most attentive lover you could have in your life (form an orderly queue ladies). I am never satisfied at doing something well, if it is not perfect and I am my own worst critic, always finding something wrong in what I have achieved. As a Child Protection Officer, I could always have got in their sooner, despite being hauled in by the bosses more times than I can remember for being too 'gung-ho'. As a cook, I always say it would have been better if I had only added this or not used that. As a father, I could and should have given you one more cuddle or word of encouragement. And what's that ladies, you could have had another orgasm?
You see, in striving to be the best, you only set yourself up for disappointment when things do not go according to plan. Take my health for instance. You all know by now that I have terminal cancer. You also know that I am entering week 6 of not taking any medication and allowing myself a strong belief in positive thought and alternative therapies helping me through the final stages. However, because of my determination to see out my remaining months this way, I have suffered with a blinding headache all weekend and will not reach for a pain killer because that would be a failure in my eyes.
Then friendships. Yes, I can be the best friend ever and I would do absolutely anything for you but at the risk of suffocating you and being left feeling so low when it is not reciprocated the way I believe it should. "What do you mean, you were too busy to text me"
As a father, despite wanting to be the best one ever, I now sit in the hope that my daughter has some time in her schedule to message me (and I love the fact that after 6 months, she does regularly).
My old teacher, who I so wish I could contact, was right, at the time I was a 'Plodder' and I should have taken it as the compliment it was, as he saw me as someone, who despite all the horrific abuse and childhood, just got on with things. So, if you ever come across a bearded Irish languages teacher, who will be retired now and answers to the name of Jim (Paddy) Armstrong, give him my love and respect.
However, despite admitting this, I also have to thank him for his words making me the lover I am :)
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